A Heart’s Cry

Dueteronomy 6:5: And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.

The only TRUE motivation

*****JESUS*****

Conviction

During the last week or so, I have been struggling a bit regarding my time here… not here on this site, I mean here on this planet. See, recently my husband and I have been given an opportunity to work together in a new business. This couldn’t come at a better time, however, it has taken up much of our time.

I have been struggling over this because I see how our time here is so short. So many things are happening around the world that have been prophesied about throughout the Bible. Well, the other day I was searching through Youtube and as many of you know… you may begin searching for one thing and end up watching all sorts of videos that do not even have anything to do with what you originally searched for. Its like a brain that goes off on a tangent. LOL!

So, anyway… back to my point 😉

Somehow I ended up on videos that were about people who have died and came back. These individuals were converted to Christianity because of this. These videos drew me in and intrigued me greatly because they described heaven and hell. Well, I found it interesting in some due to their descriptions. Now, I do not know for sure if all of their stories are accurate… but I listened.

I began to notice how many of them were talking about seeing “Christians” in hell due to unforgiveness and falling back to the world’s activities, etc. To give you a little history, I had recently written a post on my site regarding whether or not those who practice homosexuality will go in the rapture of the church. This post was brought on by a study that Jack Kelley wrote.

After I wrote my article, I received a comment that brought up the question of “Once Saved, Always Saved”. Well, I responded that this was a topic that has been debated throughout the church for a long time and there are many reasons why both sides take up their case for or against this idea. I shared that I would try and write an article covering why some believe this to be in error.

I had a few epiphanies during this study and then I came across the video I have included on this page (site). The video is a 58 minute sermon that is completely accurate and extremely convicting. After watching this video, it just made me want to sit in silence and contemplate… then pray.

See, I remember a time when I had that much conviction and zeal. Over the years I have been worn down by life and my faith has been tested to the max… and I am sure it will continue to be. I have been missing who I once was in Christ and I am sure that He has been missing me. Sure, I wrote articles to share the truth with any who will listen and I always stand my ground when put in a situation to defend my faith… but true conviction and zeal… its been awhile.

This video has cut through all of the glory gumption and gotten right to the heart of the matter, which is exactly where we all need to be in these last days. I am not willing to take the chance that the comfortable laziness I have partaken of in my relationship with Christ might cause me to miss Him all together. So, I challenge you, as I will endeavor to do myself, to reawaken the strongest desires you have had for the Lord and gain the boldness of the warriors we were called to be in the house of the Lord. Time is so short and we may never get a second chance!

If you do not know where to look for the video, I am including it here. I highly encourage you to watch it without distraction… be convicted whole heatedly and make a life altering change for Christ. Please share this video with any you may feel should see it… I am sure there are more who need to see this than you may realize.

Infant Blues

I have had a hard time today and lately at different times. As many of you know from reading my “About Me” page, I have lost 5 babies. Well, it is difficult during the holidays. Also, I watched a movie tonight that had a young couple loose their baby right after it was born. It was heart wrenching.

When I go to Walmart or a department store at the mall, etc. and pass by the baby sections… I have to just look away. Seeing the baby clothes just tears me up inside. We had decorated a nursery in classic pooh, so whenever I see that, I feel like running to the nearest exit.

Sometimes – most times, I just feel numb to it all. I suppose that is necessary to continue with life, but other times it just hits me. It normally hits at very inopportune times. Sometimes I am afraid to really let it all out because I feel like I just won’t stop crying. I have had those moments over the years. In the still dark corners of the house, when no one is around… I will weep quietly and pray that the Lord will just wrap His arms around me and comfort me to the very depths of my soul. At times, I feel as though I am shaking from those same depths and all I can do is rock myself like a child.

I am plagued with memories of hope immediately thrashed to pieces like slivered glass from a mirror image… shattered.

I wonder how it will all end up in the end, in eternity. I know that things don’t work out quite the same as far as being married, having children, etc. but I wonder if there is something for those who couldn’t have children in this life… special. It may not matter once we are there, I’m sure… but it would be nice. It gives something to look forward to now I suppose.

Not having children, leaves you in a separate category in life relationships. There is no relation between you and others who have children. Life changes us one way or another and because of that we draw closer to some and farther away from others because of similarity and such.

Bradley and I were talking the other day how ironic it is when you make the transition between being single to being a couple. They have “singles” groups at churches and social groups, but as soon as some two people become a couple, their relationship with their “single” friends changes inevitably.

Then, for a while perhaps, they are a couple without children. This is its own group that is occupied mostly by younger couples in their twenties. Then once they begin having children, it changes their relationship with those who have not had them yet, just as it did with their single friends. However, what happens if you never graduate to that “parent” category? Your just stuck in limbo with the twenty somethings until they move on. Age and maturity change us as well, so the relative association of the “category” we are in becomes very unique and it is hard to find others to relate to.

Bradley and I will never have any children. This is a fact. There are extenuating circumstances that I do not always go into publically, so it is difficult when we receive responses like, “Just give it time”. I know that is a typically generated response because it is an uncomfortable topic and people do not know how else to respond. Sometimes it is just better to say, “I am so sorry to hear that”.

I would like to include this video that captures a small portion of what it feels like after you loose a baby.

A Must See Tribute…

This is a must see video which was created by my husband. I hope that this video brings you much enjoyment and brightens your day. It is amazing how images so preacious can melt your heart and bring a smile to your face.

Well, as many of you may have read in my previous posts… we have some wonderful new kittens. Well, is a tribute video with some of their pictures to share with you here. The song that is on the video is “My Funny Valentine” performed by Matt Damon from the movie the Talented Mr. Ripley. I hope that you enjoy the video and let me know what you think.

An Inspiring Video – Must See!!!

Click Here for the Video

I just wanted to share this video that I found through Stumbleupon that is really great and inspiring. The dept of love this man has for his son is beyond words. The caption for the video on the site is, “Incredible video about the relationship between a father and son…. and God’s relationship with us.” Keeping this in mind while watching this video, a person would have to be completely dead inside to not be moved to the innermost parts. After watching this, I couldn’t speak for a few minutes because of the emotions it stirred. Please let me know how this video makes you feel. I look forward to your comments. Have a blessed day!

The Death of my Dad – Part II

If you have the ability to listen to this video, please do as you read because it will enhance your reading experience. This was the song that I listened to throughout my grieving period and it was comforting.

Part I

As I stated in my previous post, this ended up being one of the most emotionally draining experiences of my life.

So, now I was at my dad’s house and my step mom was there with the youngest of my 3 stepsisters. Though she was the youngest, she was still older than I was. Now, let me begin this part of the story with letting you know that my step mom is a bit over dramatic and a queen of pity parties; this being to the point that my stepsister felt the need to warn me before entering the house so I would know what to expect.

Over the next few days, I would be subjected to listening to the ‘death story’ repeatedly, more times than I could count. At one point, I just had to go outside to get away from it for a while. My stepsister joined me and tried to comfort me, understanding that her mother was being ridiculous, even for the situation. I cannot convey an accurate view of how she was going on about it all, but it just wasn’t normal. I even had other family members take me aside at times to ask me why she was being so outlandish; it really was embarrassing to everyone.

At one point, the family (extended family included) was having dinner at a restaurant and she just flipped. Someone asked her how she was holding up and she verbally bashed them in front of the entire restaurant. It was an elderly woman who had asked; I think she was in her 70’s or so. Then everyone just looked at me like I was suppose to do something about it… I was 19 and hadn’t seen her since I was 8 (she didn’t come to my grandmother’s funeral).

It was like this day in and day out. At one point, I was taking a bath b/c for some reason they did not have a shower in the guest bathroom, and she barged in and started complaining about all sorts of things, like why were people asking her how she was holding up. Oh, did I tell you that they also did not have a shower curtain??? I felt so violated.

My only comforting moments were spent with my dad’s dog, Sassy, who would come in with me during the night.

Oh my, that reminds me… my sister came in my room one night at about 4 am talking all sorts of gibberish and flopped on the bed. My step mom came in because of the noise and told her to go back to bed. Apparently, she was sleep walking.

Ok, so I think on the third night I was there, my step mom, sister and I all went to dinner – I don’t remember where, but when the waiter came to ask us what we wanted… all of a sudden… BAM!!!! It finally hit me!

Right there in the restaurant I began to cry uncontrollably (which is not like me). I was so embarrassed and felt so alone, I didn’t have anyone to talk to because my step mom was literally loosing it so I couldn’t burden her with my thoughts and feelings, my mom was in another state and I couldn’t call her long distance, my aunt was grieving and dealing with her personal problems between her and my step mom (they were arguing over the grave and who would pay what, etc.) on and on and on…

So, I ran to the bathroom while hearing my step mom then proceed to explain to the waiter that my dad had just died and she went into full detail of how, etc.

While in the bathroom, all I could do was pray. I prayed that God would be with me through this very difficult time and that He would give me the comfort and strength to get through all of this. I was not aware at the time, just how He would do this… but He did.

The next day was the viewing and this brought a whole new stress to the situation. My step mom had a death grip on me until others showed up. Once other family and friends showed up, she left me to gain support from them… the ones who would still talk to her by that point. She had nearly attacked almost everyone in my family by that point.

During this time, I stayed by my dad’s casket and stared at him. I knew it wasn’t him but his body… I wondered what he might have thought when he was dieing. Did he think about me? I placed my hand upon his and said my good-byes. I didn’t want to leave his side, but others came to me to say that I should allow others to give their respects, so I sat down in a pew about three from the front.

I looked around to see everyone giving comfort to my step mom and talking amongst themselves, but no one came to me… they didn’t know me or were preoccupied by the somewhat family reunion.

I placed my head in my arms, which rested on the back of the pew in front of me and prayed again for comfort and strength.

Well, the next thing I knew, I felt a hand on my shoulder, then another one on my back. I heard the voice of a child saying to me as she caressed my hair, “Its alright, don’t be sad, he is in heaven. It’s going to be ok.”

I looked up and I was surrounded by about 8 children from 3 years to around 8 years old… all trying to comfort me. This moved me so deeply that I almost couldn’t speak. All I could say is, “I know” and “Thank you”… They stayed with me.

No adult ever came to me, no adult ever said a word to me that night… just the children. I knew that was God. He used the little children to comfort me. Through the mouths of babes, I tell ya.

The next day was the funeral.

Early, we awoke and got ready. Everything seemed fine, as fine could be. Then came the limousines. As soon as we stepped out of the doorway to the house, my step mom began screaming and saying “No, no, no” while she planted her feet in the ground, forcing others to practically drag her to the car.

My aunt was there by this time (at the house). Once we were in the car, my step mom, my stepsisters, their kids and me… when my aunt was going to get into the car, my step mom said to her that there was no room for her. This really upset my aunt because she was more family to my dad then my step sisters and kids, plus, I think I heard later that my aunt was the one paying for it.

I had to hear my step mom complain about it all the way to the funeral. I just wanted to jump out of the car and run as far away from everything as I could.

Once we got to where the funeral service was held… we had some time, so I didn’t think I could handle being around everyone then… I went to the restroom which had a sitting room attached to it. I sat there and prayed. I didn’t know how I was going to get through this.

The next thing I knew was that someone came in and said that they were about to start the services. So, I gathered my composure and went to the sanctuary. On my way down the isle a man who said that he was very pleased to finally meet me stopped me. He told me that my dad spoke of me often. This made me feel a bit better. I also found out that he didn’t know that I had another sister, which I thought was interesting (for more history about that please click here).

I do not remember the funeral, as far as what was said but I have a video of it, though, it not very good quality. When we were at the gravesite, I sat in the front with the other immediate family members, excluding my aunt again and her family, thanks to my step mom. The things I remember about this, was that the sun broke through the clouds… a plane flew over head and the priest kept looking at me oddly as he spoke and prayed. It was almost like he could see something… but what, I thought. My dad had to have a priest preside over the burial because the gravesite was at a Catholic cemetery. It was a family plot that my grandparents paid for long before I was even a thought.

The only other part that I remember now, is my flight home. It was the first time that I was leaving L.A. without spending time with my grandmother and/or my dad. I thought how my experiences with California died with them… and I began to cry. I remember listening to a tape I had brought with me: “I’ll Be There” by the Escape Club below is the actual video for the song…

Tear just flowed down my face. A flight attendant asked me if I was ok, so I told him that my dad had died. He was very attentive after that and I greatly appreciated it. Over the next years, it would hit me here and there. I just learned to let myself feel the pain so that I wouldn’t explode in the future.

There are times that I wish that I could share with him. We began speaking again when I was in high school, over the phone. I had told him that I would be visiting him that summer, but I wasn’t able to. It brings back memories of almost seeing my grandmother but she died right before I was able.

If you get nothing else out of this post, please don’t hesitate to spend the time that you have with your loved ones. Tell them how you feel… and trust in God to carry you through those times that you don’t think you can make it through – He won’t let you down. Thank you for reading this. I look forward to your comments.

Hillarious Video

I came across this joke a little while back and it made me laugh soooo hard, so I wanted to share it here. The comedian is Anjelah Johnson and she captures it perfectly. For anyone who has ever gotten this done, this video will bring back memories. Enjoy!

Who Sings That Song???

Who sings that song, I asked Bradley, franctically trying to search every outlet I could get my little fingers on…

I didn’t know who was the singer of the song below until tonight. I searched all around and came up with another song, which turns out to be one of my favorites now. Anyway, the song I was originally looking for was, “No One” by Alicia Keys.

So, as I said, I ended up finding a song that I really like called “Everythings Gonna Be Alright” by Jamie with Sweetbox. After hearing the two songs, you may be able to understand how I came across this one.

Anyway, I guess I am in a melancholy mood today. I wasn’t sure of what to post about today, so Bradly suggested that I listen to a song and post about that… Well, here it is. I am not sure if anyone will listen to them, I have the second song on my favorite music page, but here they are.

When I first started my search for a song, I came across this next song… I was amazed at the strength and control of her voice. This song is “Everything Or Nothing” by Lisa Lavie.

So, let me know what you think of these songs and their voices. I hope that they post well… I know I had trouble embedding multiple video clips before publishing, in the past… so, hopefully it will come out alright. Enjoy!