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    • I Will Rest In You
      It has been a long time since I was able to post here and recently was encouraged to start posting again.  I will start by posting a video for those who are battle weary from the spiritual onslaught going on during these last days.  Be encouraged, replenished, and comforted… you are not alone.
    • The Word as an Onion
        Too many merely accept the Word on the surface.  They pick and choose this verse or that and build their doctrine out of it.  One instance for example is that in regard to adultery.  God’s Word says that you should not commit adultery; wherefore, those who have not slept with someone outside of their […]
    • 40 Days of Challenge – Day 6 Positive Practices and the Danger Zone
      40 Days of Challenge Day 6 Positive Practices and the Danger Zone           Positive Practices   Philippians 2:14 (KJV) “Do all things without murmurings (grumbling) and disputings”   Have you ever found yourself making an effort to go out of your way for someone only to find that they respond without […]
    • 40 Days of Challenge – Day 5 Dare to be Different
      40 Days of Challenge Day 5 Dare to be Different   The Post-It Challenge Jeremiah 29:11 (KJV) “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil (calamity), to give you an expected end (a future and a hope).” Isaiah 55:11-12 (KJV) “So shall My […]
    • 40 Days of Challenge – Day 4 Self Control and Thoughtfulness
      40 Days of Challenge Day 4 Self Control and Thoughtfulness   Self Control James 1:19-20 (KJV)  “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not (does not produce) the righteousness of God.” Many times in our human relationships, we find […]
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Posts Tagged ‘mom’

Infant Blues

Posted by truthoughts on December 31, 2008

I have had a hard time today and lately at different times. As many of you know from reading my “About Me” page, I have lost 5 babies. Well, it is difficult during the holidays. Also, I watched a movie tonight that had a young couple loose their baby right after it was born. It was heart wrenching.

When I go to Walmart or a department store at the mall, etc. and pass by the baby sections… I have to just look away. Seeing the baby clothes just tears me up inside. We had decorated a nursery in classic pooh, so whenever I see that, I feel like running to the nearest exit.

Sometimes – most times, I just feel numb to it all. I suppose that is necessary to continue with life, but other times it just hits me. It normally hits at very inopportune times. Sometimes I am afraid to really let it all out because I feel like I just won’t stop crying. I have had those moments over the years. In the still dark corners of the house, when no one is around… I will weep quietly and pray that the Lord will just wrap His arms around me and comfort me to the very depths of my soul. At times, I feel as though I am shaking from those same depths and all I can do is rock myself like a child.

I am plagued with memories of hope immediately thrashed to pieces like slivered glass from a mirror image… shattered.

I wonder how it will all end up in the end, in eternity. I know that things don’t work out quite the same as far as being married, having children, etc. but I wonder if there is something for those who couldn’t have children in this life… special. It may not matter once we are there, I’m sure… but it would be nice. It gives something to look forward to now I suppose.

Not having children, leaves you in a separate category in life relationships. There is no relation between you and others who have children. Life changes us one way or another and because of that we draw closer to some and farther away from others because of similarity and such.

Bradley and I were talking the other day how ironic it is when you make the transition between being single to being a couple. They have “singles” groups at churches and social groups, but as soon as some two people become a couple, their relationship with their “single” friends changes inevitably.

Then, for a while perhaps, they are a couple without children. This is its own group that is occupied mostly by younger couples in their twenties. Then once they begin having children, it changes their relationship with those who have not had them yet, just as it did with their single friends. However, what happens if you never graduate to that “parent” category? Your just stuck in limbo with the twenty somethings until they move on. Age and maturity change us as well, so the relative association of the “category” we are in becomes very unique and it is hard to find others to relate to.

Bradley and I will never have any children. This is a fact. There are extenuating circumstances that I do not always go into publically, so it is difficult when we receive responses like, “Just give it time”. I know that is a typically generated response because it is an uncomfortable topic and people do not know how else to respond. Sometimes it is just better to say, “I am so sorry to hear that”.

I would like to include this video that captures a small portion of what it feels like after you loose a baby.

Posted in Christian Life | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

A Little More About Me – Part III

Posted by truthoughts on June 4, 2008

Part I
Part II

Story II: The death of my grandmother

My grandmother, my dad’s mother, was my best friend growing up. I loved her beyond words and I was her favorite, so her death really affected me deeply. The really sad thing was that my mom and I were going to visit her the next weekend.

At the time, we lived in Arizona and my grandmother lived in California… so the drive there was about a day.

Well, I was at a friend’s house getting ready to have a sleep over party (I had just turned 13 the month before), when my mom called my friend’s parents. As soon as they got off the phone with her, they told me that I had to get my things because my mom was coming to pick me up. I asked why, but they wouldn’t tell me anything. So, I gathered my things and waited.

During my wait, my mind imagined everything it could be… but I just couldn’t figure it out. I became upset that I wasn’t going to be able to stay with my friends.

Once my mom got there, I kept asking her what was going on but she wouldn’t say anything. I asked her if I had done something wrong and she said no, but that was all she would say.

Finally, when we got home… we walked into the house and my mom told me to sit down. All of a sudden, like a flood as thick as blood, shot through my entire being. I looked up at my mom and said, “Who died?”.

She just stared at me with a shocked face…

Silence fell for about 30 seconds, though it felt like 30 minutes.

I asked, “Was it dad or grandma?”.

Again, silence with a stare.

Finally, after I thought I would never get an answer, she said, “Yes”…. “It was your grandma”.

Well, shock ran through my body and numbed my brain… I looked off so that I could digest all that she was about to say. I then asked, “What happened?”.

She then proceeded to tell me that my grandmother was on her way to pick up her social security check, and while crossing the street, she was hit by a car.

Well, that is all I knew until we met with my dad a couple days before the funeral. Apparently, my grandmother had hidden her check in the bottom of her purse and placed a small box of Kleenex on top of it so that my cousin, who was about 7 at the time, couldn’t find it… he had a bad habit of going through her things.

So, because she couldn’t see it and she was beginning to get Alzheimer’s… she forgot she put it there. Well, on her way to church – walking – she saw the SS office across the street and remembered that she thought she had not received her check for that month… so, she began to cross the street.

The street was a fairly busy street and in the median, there were some bushes. The driver never saw her until it was too late. She hit the front bumper, flew up to the window, cracked her head on the metal piece that separates the windshield from the side window and continued over the car until she came down onto the street.

She lay in a coma for a few hours while my dad said his good byes, then she died. My dad said that he was holding her hand and she squeezed it, but the doctors told him it was involuntary.

When I saw my grandmother at her viewing, it was the first time I had ever seen a dead person up close. I knew she wasn’t in that shell – it made me feel empty. I felt lost being in California without her there.

I went to her house and sat out front in her yard… she had these ½ stoop pillars that I would sit on as a young child and watch the birds. I tried to remember being with her and the conversations that we had. I knew that I wanted something to remember her by, so I took her nametag from when she would volunteer at the hospital. I still have it.

My little cousin, who is 6 years younger than I, was paranoid by her body. He didn’t want to go anywhere near her. I tried to explain to him that it wasn’t her and it wouldn’t bite him, but he was 7.

So, that is more detail into that story. I will continue my history in a later post. Please subscribe to my blog so that you will not miss anything.

Posted in Christian Life, death, Diary, Emotions, Family, Journal, Life, Memories, People, Personal, Random Thoughts, Reflections, Relationships, thoughts | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

A Little More About Me

Posted by truthoughts on June 1, 2008

I thought that I would write a little more about my life history today. I was born in Southern California but I moved around a lot through the years. Both sides of my grandparents were in the air force, so my parents were somewhat BRATS. Those in the military understand that term, though I do not know the specific acronym of the term. They moved a lot. My mom has been in different countries, though I do not think that my dad has.

 

My grandparents on both sides divorced and so both of my parents came from split families. My dad was married before he met my mom and so was my mom. My dad had another daughter before me and my mom had a son before me. Both of my siblings were quite a bit older than I am.

 

I grew up around my brother but I did not have much contact with my sister. Something happened before me, that caused my sister to resent my dad and therefore resent me. I remember one time, my grandmother, took me to her apartment to try and get her to acknowledge me as her sister, but that did not turn out well. I was about 6 years old at the time.

 

I remember that my sister answered the door, it was night time, and she saw me and slammed the door shut. My grandmother knocked some more until she answered. My grandmother said that she would either see us or my grandmother would never speak to her again. So, my sister’s husband came out and made her let us in. It was awkward to say the least.

 

I was only 6 and I could feel the tension. She kept glaring at me and stating that she would never acknowledge me, while calling me names I should not have heard at that age.  Her children came out from their bedrooms, they were around 3 and under. They asked who I was and my grandmother told them, but my sister said it wasn’t true and for them to go back to bed. I felt so bad.

 

When we left, she said that my grandmother better never bring me around again or she would not forgive her.

 

Well, that was the last time that I saw her until my grandmother’s funeral when I was 13. That too was another awkward interaction. A man came up to me and said, “Oh, did you know that you had a sister?”  I was going to say yes, however, she turned right around and snapped back… she is my HALF sister, then turned back to the front and ignored me the rest of the funeral. The man looked at me with this odd face and just said… “Oh”.

 

Later that same day, at my dad’s house, her and her mother were there… I had gone inside to go to the bathroom, which I couldn’t find. I hadn’t visited my dad since I was 8 because he and my stepmother kidnapped me, so to speak… but that is another story.

 

So, I was going to find the bathroom, when I heard someone saying some really bad things about my mother, who was there with me. I looked back and saw my sister and her mother talking. Her mother called my mom a name and said I was the same, my sister told her to shhh. This surprised me, so I went out and stayed as close to my dad as possible because I knew that they would not say anything around him.

 

I told my mom what had happened much later when she couldn’t make a scene. Ah, the drama.

 

That was the very last time that I ever saw my sister. When my dad died, his sister called her to let her know, but apparently something had happened between the two dates (I was 19 at this time) so that she said that she didn’t have a dad and would not go to the funeral. She didn’t.

 

My aunt, my dad’s sister, would spend the next few days trying to convince me to get in contact with her because she was my sister, but she really didn’t know the extent of her feelings. I would ask others older than me what happened to make her so abusive, but no one would ever tell me.

 

The last I heard, she lived somewhere in Arizona, but that was years ago… so who knows now. I have heard some stories about her childhood from my mom and it wasn’t good. Her mom use to abuse her and my grandmother asked my mom and dad to adopt her from her mother… that she would pay for the legal fees, etc. But my mom said no because she believed that a child should remain with their mother. She thought also that if something happened between her and my dad, then she would end up having to raise her too and she couldn’t afford that.

 

Well, my parents split up when I was 3 ½ years old and we moved from California when I was 4. I would visit at my grandmother’s house because my mom didn’t trust my dad to remember to pick me up from the airport, etc. Well, when the incident happened when I was 8, my mom had to come out from Texas to get me and swore that my dad would never see me again. He only saw me once more, at my grandmother’s funeral. A car hit her but again, that is another story.

 

Well, this post is quite long, so I will post more info about my past later. Be sure to subscribe so you can follow the rest of the story.
Click here for Part II

Posted in Diary, Emotions, Family, Journal, Life, Memories, People, Personal, Reflections, Relationships | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

A Funny Family’s Day Out

Posted by truthoughts on May 9, 2008

The other day, me, my husband and my mom went over to my aunt’s house and had dinner. My great uncle was there, which I haven’t seen in about 10 years. He lives across the country, so I really only get to see him when he comes to town. There were many family members there for his visit.

At one point, I took notice because all of the women were outside with the kids and the men were inside – upstairs playing pool. I thought it was so funny cuz it reminded me of those movies. What really made me laugh was when my uncle came outside because my cousin called him when she saw him pass by the door to tell him to let her husband know that they had to leave soon to get the 18 month old baby to bed.

My uncle joked, as only a male could in that position and scurried up to give the message. A few minutes later… down he came letting us know that ‘the men’ had a message, though he wouldn’t share it… (there really was no message). He said that, really – he would be down and ready to go as soon as he finished his game. So, naturally, my cousin replied with, does that mean the game he is playing or the one he is about to play? She wanted specifics because as women know… with men, we have to get specific. 😉 So, my uncle clarified that it would be the game that was already being played.

While we waited, the kids played in the sandbox and the adults talked. Once it had gotten dark, we rounded up the kids and went inside to round up the men. Well, my cousin and her family left without a hitch… mine however, well, lets just say that my husband has a tendency to enjoy playing with the kids and getting them all riled up. My aunt threatened that next time she would have to get out the belt for him. It seemed that everytime we thought we were ready to go… a train of kids would round the corner, running full spead to try and get past my husband, who was ready to tag them as they passed. He is just a big kid himself.

Well, once we left (we had driven my mom and my niece and nephew) the kids fell asleep. Peace! We had a great time and we hope to see them all again soon.

Posted in Comments, Diary, Family, Friends, Fun, Funny, Happiness, Humor, Journal, Life, Miscellaneous, Musing, Musings, People, Personal, Ramblings, Random, Random Thoughts, Reflections, Stories | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »