Truthoughts Today

Finding something in nothing…

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    • I Will Rest In You
      It has been a long time since I was able to post here and recently was encouraged to start posting again.  I will start by posting a video for those who are battle weary from the spiritual onslaught going on during these last days.  Be encouraged, replenished, and comforted… you are not alone.
    • The Word as an Onion
        Too many merely accept the Word on the surface.  They pick and choose this verse or that and build their doctrine out of it.  One instance for example is that in regard to adultery.  God’s Word says that you should not commit adultery; wherefore, those who have not slept with someone outside of their […]
    • 40 Days of Challenge – Day 6 Positive Practices and the Danger Zone
      40 Days of Challenge Day 6 Positive Practices and the Danger Zone           Positive Practices   Philippians 2:14 (KJV) “Do all things without murmurings (grumbling) and disputings”   Have you ever found yourself making an effort to go out of your way for someone only to find that they respond without […]
    • 40 Days of Challenge – Day 5 Dare to be Different
      40 Days of Challenge Day 5 Dare to be Different   The Post-It Challenge Jeremiah 29:11 (KJV) “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil (calamity), to give you an expected end (a future and a hope).” Isaiah 55:11-12 (KJV) “So shall My […]
    • 40 Days of Challenge – Day 4 Self Control and Thoughtfulness
      40 Days of Challenge Day 4 Self Control and Thoughtfulness   Self Control James 1:19-20 (KJV)  “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not (does not produce) the righteousness of God.” Many times in our human relationships, we find […]
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Posts Tagged ‘Marriage’

Infant Blues

Posted by truthoughts on December 31, 2008

I have had a hard time today and lately at different times. As many of you know from reading my “About Me” page, I have lost 5 babies. Well, it is difficult during the holidays. Also, I watched a movie tonight that had a young couple loose their baby right after it was born. It was heart wrenching.

When I go to Walmart or a department store at the mall, etc. and pass by the baby sections… I have to just look away. Seeing the baby clothes just tears me up inside. We had decorated a nursery in classic pooh, so whenever I see that, I feel like running to the nearest exit.

Sometimes – most times, I just feel numb to it all. I suppose that is necessary to continue with life, but other times it just hits me. It normally hits at very inopportune times. Sometimes I am afraid to really let it all out because I feel like I just won’t stop crying. I have had those moments over the years. In the still dark corners of the house, when no one is around… I will weep quietly and pray that the Lord will just wrap His arms around me and comfort me to the very depths of my soul. At times, I feel as though I am shaking from those same depths and all I can do is rock myself like a child.

I am plagued with memories of hope immediately thrashed to pieces like slivered glass from a mirror image… shattered.

I wonder how it will all end up in the end, in eternity. I know that things don’t work out quite the same as far as being married, having children, etc. but I wonder if there is something for those who couldn’t have children in this life… special. It may not matter once we are there, I’m sure… but it would be nice. It gives something to look forward to now I suppose.

Not having children, leaves you in a separate category in life relationships. There is no relation between you and others who have children. Life changes us one way or another and because of that we draw closer to some and farther away from others because of similarity and such.

Bradley and I were talking the other day how ironic it is when you make the transition between being single to being a couple. They have “singles” groups at churches and social groups, but as soon as some two people become a couple, their relationship with their “single” friends changes inevitably.

Then, for a while perhaps, they are a couple without children. This is its own group that is occupied mostly by younger couples in their twenties. Then once they begin having children, it changes their relationship with those who have not had them yet, just as it did with their single friends. However, what happens if you never graduate to that “parent” category? Your just stuck in limbo with the twenty somethings until they move on. Age and maturity change us as well, so the relative association of the “category” we are in becomes very unique and it is hard to find others to relate to.

Bradley and I will never have any children. This is a fact. There are extenuating circumstances that I do not always go into publically, so it is difficult when we receive responses like, “Just give it time”. I know that is a typically generated response because it is an uncomfortable topic and people do not know how else to respond. Sometimes it is just better to say, “I am so sorry to hear that”.

I would like to include this video that captures a small portion of what it feels like after you loose a baby.

Posted in Christian Life | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

My Perfect Day

Posted by truthoughts on May 14, 2008

My perfect day would begin by being woken up with breakfast in bed. I would be served eggs over medium, burnt to a crisp bacon, 2 pieces of strawberry jellied toast and a cup of coffee. On the tray would also be rose pettles sprinkeld around the plates and cup. This would be brought to me by my wonderful husband, Bradley, holding a red rose between his beautiful lips.

He would then turn on sweet, soft music that would stir emotions locked deep inside. He would sit by my side as I offer to share my perfectly made and displayed breakfast with him. We would talk of our dreams and of what a wonderful day it would be. He would proceed to tell me that he had already prepared the cats breakfast (we feed them a special breakfast every morning) and that once I was done and ready to go, that he had a special day planned.

Then, as soon as I would be ready, we would leave in a flash with the windows down on a peaceful, sunny day. The wind would whip through my hair as the radio played my favorite song. Immediately upon the song’s end, the DJ would come on and say that this song was dedicated to *me* by *my* beloved husband of 5 years who was going to give me the best day ever because he loves me so.

Bradley would then look over at me with the childlike smile he often carries as his eyes would twinkle in the reflection of light. I would feel consumed by a warm tingly feeling in the inner most parts of me and a deep appreciation for my soulmate.

Our first stop of the day, would be a shopping complex, where every store was unique like a downtown square. Bradley, knowing how much I love to just look at different things, would say that I could have whatever I wanted that day. This pleasing offer would make me giddy like an excited infant, ready to tackle everything before me.

I would find 2 or 3 treasurable items to remind me of this day, though, the day would not be over. Bradley would then take me for lunch, to a quaint little itallian restraunt, hidden to the world, where it feels like the guest is the center of attention. Everything would be perfect… the lighting, the music, the feel, the service and the food.

After lunch, we would proceed to a beachfront in the heat of the day, where the breeze from the ocean would be much appreciated. As we would walk, barefoot through white sands, we would run periodically through the waves that would collide against the shore.

Down the way a bit, would be a man selling bread to feed to the seaguls… so, we would purchase a loaf to see who could throw it the highest and who could get a bird to eat out of their hand. A boy would stand off to the side, holding a kite he was given by his father. Facinated by the intreague of the boy, we would sit and admire.

Then, as it came time for the sun to set, we would walk to a rocky hill.  Climbing up the hill, we would spot the perfect place to watch the sunset. Together we would sit, cuddled and warm while the feeling of stillness and freedom would sweep across our hearts. The magnificient colors portrayed in the sky would be breath taking.

Once the sun would be completely set, we would then go to a very high place (driving of course). There we would walk to a secluded spot in an open field and lay side by side. Looking up at the vast array of stars amidst the blackness of the universe, we would talk about random, out of the ordinary things. The feeling of how incredible everything was and how small we are would run through our thoughts as the impact of posibility toward the lack of gravity, would amaze us, as to how we could stay on the earth and not just float off into space.

After awhile, Bradley would lean over and share a poem that he wrote about me, about us, which would bring me to tears as it would bind our hearts even closer, which we never imagined was possible. Once the day would be done, we would go home and our closeness would be a memory that could not be beat by any poem, movie or dream allowed. This would be my perfect day.

Posted in Christian Life, Comments, Diary, Dreams, Emotions, Entertainment, Family, Friends, Fun, Happiness, Inspiration, Journal, Life, Living, love, Loving, Marriage, Memories, Miscellaneous, Musing, Musings, People, Personal, Philosophy, Poems, Poetry, Ramblings, Random, Random Thoughts, Reflections, Relationships, Stories, Uncategorized, Writing | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Finding Something In Nothing

Posted by truthoughts on May 9, 2008

Finding Something In Nothing

There are two days coming this weekend, which strike strong emotion in me because of what they represent. First is my 5-year wedding anniversary on Saturday. Yes, Bradley and I have been married for 5 years now… Some days seem like we have been together for ages past and others like we are just beginning. I suppose that is the way everyone feels at times. This is a happy occasion and I am very excited about how far we have come, however, a solemn one quickly follows this.

The second is mother’s day. For all of you who have read “About Me”, know that Bradley and I have lost 5 babies in the first 4 years of our marriage. The trauma that went along with those pregnancies and the losses that followed, leave scars rarely seen but forever deeply felt. During this holiday each year, numbness overcomes me so that the pain won’t over take me. There is no easy way around it… this weekend will be an emotional roller coaster.

So, we begin with attempting to celebrate our love and end with trying to ignore the struggles that strained us to the core. The loss of 5 babies has not been the only struggles that we have faced through the years; it’s just the only one that has a date of remembrance recognized by the world… not to mention the anniversaries of the losses and their proposed birthdays. On the good hand, our relationship has been strengthened and solidified though battered and bruised. I really do not know what I would do without Bradley, he is the love of my life, the best friend of my soul, the other half of my brain.

Bradley and I have spent almost every waking minute together since we were married and it never seems like enough. Some may look at it as a co-dependant relationship because they don’t understand it. Most people aren’t that close to their spouses, which is sad. It is more like at the beginning of a relationship, when you just can’t get enough of the other person… you want to be there to gaze at them and hear everything that they have to say. Our connection is so deep, that at times, we don’t even have to speak – we just know what the other is thinking/wanting/needing, etc. When you are truly with the person whom you are meant to be with, this is how it is.

I of course am not saying that we never disagree and spend any time apart, just very few times. We have learned how to communicate with each other in ways that it makes difficulties easier to work through – this has been a huge difference. When we do sometimes come to an impasse, we pray for the Lord to intervene… and He does. Normally when that happens, everything is cleared up within 10-30 minutes without hard feelings. So, in the nothingness that sadness brings, I will find the something, which is the strength of our relationship and the foundation that we have in our faith.

Posted in Bible, Christian, Christianity, Comments, Diary, Emotions, Faith, Family, Friends, God, Jesus, Journal, Life, Marriage, Memories, Miscellaneous, Musing, Musings, Opinion, People, Personal, Philosophy, Ramblings, Random, Random Thoughts, Rants, Reflections, Relationships | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »