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Finding something in nothing…

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    • I Will Rest In You
      It has been a long time since I was able to post here and recently was encouraged to start posting again.  I will start by posting a video for those who are battle weary from the spiritual onslaught going on during these last days.  Be encouraged, replenished, and comforted… you are not alone.
    • The Word as an Onion
        Too many merely accept the Word on the surface.  They pick and choose this verse or that and build their doctrine out of it.  One instance for example is that in regard to adultery.  God’s Word says that you should not commit adultery; wherefore, those who have not slept with someone outside of their […]
    • 40 Days of Challenge – Day 6 Positive Practices and the Danger Zone
      40 Days of Challenge Day 6 Positive Practices and the Danger Zone           Positive Practices   Philippians 2:14 (KJV) “Do all things without murmurings (grumbling) and disputings”   Have you ever found yourself making an effort to go out of your way for someone only to find that they respond without […]
    • 40 Days of Challenge – Day 5 Dare to be Different
      40 Days of Challenge Day 5 Dare to be Different   The Post-It Challenge Jeremiah 29:11 (KJV) “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil (calamity), to give you an expected end (a future and a hope).” Isaiah 55:11-12 (KJV) “So shall My […]
    • 40 Days of Challenge – Day 4 Self Control and Thoughtfulness
      40 Days of Challenge Day 4 Self Control and Thoughtfulness   Self Control James 1:19-20 (KJV)  “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not (does not produce) the righteousness of God.” Many times in our human relationships, we find […]
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Posts Tagged ‘baby’

Infant Blues

Posted by truthoughts on December 31, 2008

I have had a hard time today and lately at different times. As many of you know from reading my “About Me” page, I have lost 5 babies. Well, it is difficult during the holidays. Also, I watched a movie tonight that had a young couple loose their baby right after it was born. It was heart wrenching.

When I go to Walmart or a department store at the mall, etc. and pass by the baby sections… I have to just look away. Seeing the baby clothes just tears me up inside. We had decorated a nursery in classic pooh, so whenever I see that, I feel like running to the nearest exit.

Sometimes – most times, I just feel numb to it all. I suppose that is necessary to continue with life, but other times it just hits me. It normally hits at very inopportune times. Sometimes I am afraid to really let it all out because I feel like I just won’t stop crying. I have had those moments over the years. In the still dark corners of the house, when no one is around… I will weep quietly and pray that the Lord will just wrap His arms around me and comfort me to the very depths of my soul. At times, I feel as though I am shaking from those same depths and all I can do is rock myself like a child.

I am plagued with memories of hope immediately thrashed to pieces like slivered glass from a mirror image… shattered.

I wonder how it will all end up in the end, in eternity. I know that things don’t work out quite the same as far as being married, having children, etc. but I wonder if there is something for those who couldn’t have children in this life… special. It may not matter once we are there, I’m sure… but it would be nice. It gives something to look forward to now I suppose.

Not having children, leaves you in a separate category in life relationships. There is no relation between you and others who have children. Life changes us one way or another and because of that we draw closer to some and farther away from others because of similarity and such.

Bradley and I were talking the other day how ironic it is when you make the transition between being single to being a couple. They have “singles” groups at churches and social groups, but as soon as some two people become a couple, their relationship with their “single” friends changes inevitably.

Then, for a while perhaps, they are a couple without children. This is its own group that is occupied mostly by younger couples in their twenties. Then once they begin having children, it changes their relationship with those who have not had them yet, just as it did with their single friends. However, what happens if you never graduate to that “parent” category? Your just stuck in limbo with the twenty somethings until they move on. Age and maturity change us as well, so the relative association of the “category” we are in becomes very unique and it is hard to find others to relate to.

Bradley and I will never have any children. This is a fact. There are extenuating circumstances that I do not always go into publically, so it is difficult when we receive responses like, “Just give it time”. I know that is a typically generated response because it is an uncomfortable topic and people do not know how else to respond. Sometimes it is just better to say, “I am so sorry to hear that”.

I would like to include this video that captures a small portion of what it feels like after you loose a baby.

Posted in Christian Life | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Breaking The Mold

Posted by truthoughts on May 12, 2008

I never knew just how hard it would be, to give up a dream that was deep inside me. In the days of leanness, we must all sacrifice. Some more painful than others, not realizing the hold of past hopes and dreams, it is time to say good-bye. If you have read ‘About Me’ then you know about my loss of 5 babies. Over a period of 4 years, Bradley and I have lost 5 babies because I have a condition called Hyperemesis Gravidarum. This means that I have like an allergic reaction to the hormone, which is produced by pregnancy. My doctors, who are considered ‘experts’ in this field, (though none of them really know much about it) had never seen a case as severe as mine. Anyway, each time it became worse, bringing me to the point of my own death, then I would miscarry. With each baby, Bradley and I, would allow ourselves to become whole-heartedly attached to this new life, only to be grieved by the loss of it, while suffering the trauma of my own physical condition.

Anyway, as we entered each pregnancy… we would accumulate nursery items: Crib, bedding, baby clothes, other furniture, etc. I have held on to these items, even after Bradley had a vasectomy, with the hopes that someday we would be able to have a baby somehow – through some means. Well, now times are tight and sacrifices must be made… so… I have to let these items go (sell them) and with them, an attachment to a dream, a hope, a desire. I know that many would say that just because I have to sell these items, it doesn’t mean that I can’t still have that hope and once obtained, purchase these items again… I understand that.

It is amazing how we attach emotions of life situations to items that symbolize those times. I still have a bear that I got in junior high, that every time I cried over the loss of a friend, the death of my cat, etc… I would cry into this bear. Because of this, I can’t seem to part with it. From the outside, I think to myself… how crazy to allow an attachment resembling pain and suffering, to hold on to that, yet in some twisted way, it is comforting. Maybe it is because I was a latchkey kid, meaning that my mom was never home because she had to work all the time and my dad didn’t live with us, so… my bear, my cat, etc. were my safe places, my comfort zones, my friends who would never leave me or judge me.

I feel like I have been putting off the inevitable by holding off on a garage sale. I am wondering though, if it would be better with some of the furniture items, to sell them on Ebay or Craig’s List to get more money for them. Bradley is waiting on a venture deal to come through, but as you probably know… waiting on attorneys to review, change, etc. paperwork, can take forever – and we have to eat. Things are tight now, but I know that somehow, though I am not sure when or how exactly, things will work out because the Bible says that [Romans 8:28] He makes all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. So, I put my trust and hope in Christ, knowing that, [Nahum 1:7] The Lord is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble; and He knoweth them that trust in Him. Also, [Psalm 34:17,19] The righteous cry, and the Lord heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles. Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all.

It is difficult for those who put their trust in the Lord while going through trials to strengthen their faith as they watch evildoers all around them prosper, but here is a verse for you: [Psalm 37:7] Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass. I have to tell myself this because this is an area in which I too struggle. It is draining to ponder on this too long though. I try and remind myself that God is good, true and just… and in the end, He has the last word. If I just keep pushing forward in my relationship with Him and sharing Him and His Word with others, then I will be an over comer and receive the blessings He says that I will in the book of Revelation (letters to the 7 churches). One verse that gives me encouragement is [Isaiah 40:31] But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Anyway, you are probably starting to see how my brain works… I have my little pity party, then I remember some scripture, which gives me encouragement and so I move on… for at least 5 minutes or so… As the female brain tends to work, I think of so much all at once that I am bound to come back around to this topic again soon and have to go through the steps again. Eventually, I will immediately remind myself of the verses so I don’t have to go through the entire pity party because there are always many other things to occupy my thoughts that are just as time consuming and important to work through. I believe this to be the Holy Spirit as it says, [John 14:26] But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in My name, He shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.

So, as painful as it is, my mold must be broken, in order to open the door to what God has in store for me in Him. [2 Corinthians 5:17] Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. [Luke 9:62] And Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God. As I journey forward I will continue to look forward with faith like a child that the Lord is true to His Word and will perform it through to the end. [Philippians 1:6] Being confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ. [Romans 8:18] For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

So, for now, this is where I will leave it…

Posted in Bible, Christian, Christianity, Comments, Diary, Emotions, Faith, Family, God, Inspiration, Jesus, Journal, Life, Memories, Miscellaneous, Musing, Musings, Opinion, People, Personal, Philosophy, Ramblings, Random, Random Thoughts, Rants, Reflections, Relationships, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Finding Something In Nothing

Posted by truthoughts on May 9, 2008

Finding Something In Nothing

There are two days coming this weekend, which strike strong emotion in me because of what they represent. First is my 5-year wedding anniversary on Saturday. Yes, Bradley and I have been married for 5 years now… Some days seem like we have been together for ages past and others like we are just beginning. I suppose that is the way everyone feels at times. This is a happy occasion and I am very excited about how far we have come, however, a solemn one quickly follows this.

The second is mother’s day. For all of you who have read “About Me”, know that Bradley and I have lost 5 babies in the first 4 years of our marriage. The trauma that went along with those pregnancies and the losses that followed, leave scars rarely seen but forever deeply felt. During this holiday each year, numbness overcomes me so that the pain won’t over take me. There is no easy way around it… this weekend will be an emotional roller coaster.

So, we begin with attempting to celebrate our love and end with trying to ignore the struggles that strained us to the core. The loss of 5 babies has not been the only struggles that we have faced through the years; it’s just the only one that has a date of remembrance recognized by the world… not to mention the anniversaries of the losses and their proposed birthdays. On the good hand, our relationship has been strengthened and solidified though battered and bruised. I really do not know what I would do without Bradley, he is the love of my life, the best friend of my soul, the other half of my brain.

Bradley and I have spent almost every waking minute together since we were married and it never seems like enough. Some may look at it as a co-dependant relationship because they don’t understand it. Most people aren’t that close to their spouses, which is sad. It is more like at the beginning of a relationship, when you just can’t get enough of the other person… you want to be there to gaze at them and hear everything that they have to say. Our connection is so deep, that at times, we don’t even have to speak – we just know what the other is thinking/wanting/needing, etc. When you are truly with the person whom you are meant to be with, this is how it is.

I of course am not saying that we never disagree and spend any time apart, just very few times. We have learned how to communicate with each other in ways that it makes difficulties easier to work through – this has been a huge difference. When we do sometimes come to an impasse, we pray for the Lord to intervene… and He does. Normally when that happens, everything is cleared up within 10-30 minutes without hard feelings. So, in the nothingness that sadness brings, I will find the something, which is the strength of our relationship and the foundation that we have in our faith.

Posted in Bible, Christian, Christianity, Comments, Diary, Emotions, Faith, Family, Friends, God, Jesus, Journal, Life, Marriage, Memories, Miscellaneous, Musing, Musings, Opinion, People, Personal, Philosophy, Ramblings, Random, Random Thoughts, Rants, Reflections, Relationships | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

A Funny Family’s Day Out

Posted by truthoughts on May 9, 2008

The other day, me, my husband and my mom went over to my aunt’s house and had dinner. My great uncle was there, which I haven’t seen in about 10 years. He lives across the country, so I really only get to see him when he comes to town. There were many family members there for his visit.

At one point, I took notice because all of the women were outside with the kids and the men were inside – upstairs playing pool. I thought it was so funny cuz it reminded me of those movies. What really made me laugh was when my uncle came outside because my cousin called him when she saw him pass by the door to tell him to let her husband know that they had to leave soon to get the 18 month old baby to bed.

My uncle joked, as only a male could in that position and scurried up to give the message. A few minutes later… down he came letting us know that ‘the men’ had a message, though he wouldn’t share it… (there really was no message). He said that, really – he would be down and ready to go as soon as he finished his game. So, naturally, my cousin replied with, does that mean the game he is playing or the one he is about to play? She wanted specifics because as women know… with men, we have to get specific. 😉 So, my uncle clarified that it would be the game that was already being played.

While we waited, the kids played in the sandbox and the adults talked. Once it had gotten dark, we rounded up the kids and went inside to round up the men. Well, my cousin and her family left without a hitch… mine however, well, lets just say that my husband has a tendency to enjoy playing with the kids and getting them all riled up. My aunt threatened that next time she would have to get out the belt for him. It seemed that everytime we thought we were ready to go… a train of kids would round the corner, running full spead to try and get past my husband, who was ready to tag them as they passed. He is just a big kid himself.

Well, once we left (we had driven my mom and my niece and nephew) the kids fell asleep. Peace! We had a great time and we hope to see them all again soon.

Posted in Comments, Diary, Family, Friends, Fun, Funny, Happiness, Humor, Journal, Life, Miscellaneous, Musing, Musings, People, Personal, Ramblings, Random, Random Thoughts, Reflections, Stories | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »