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Infant Blues

Posted by truthoughts on December 31, 2008

I have had a hard time today and lately at different times. As many of you know from reading my “About Me” page, I have lost 5 babies. Well, it is difficult during the holidays. Also, I watched a movie tonight that had a young couple loose their baby right after it was born. It was heart wrenching.

When I go to Walmart or a department store at the mall, etc. and pass by the baby sections… I have to just look away. Seeing the baby clothes just tears me up inside. We had decorated a nursery in classic pooh, so whenever I see that, I feel like running to the nearest exit.

Sometimes – most times, I just feel numb to it all. I suppose that is necessary to continue with life, but other times it just hits me. It normally hits at very inopportune times. Sometimes I am afraid to really let it all out because I feel like I just won’t stop crying. I have had those moments over the years. In the still dark corners of the house, when no one is around… I will weep quietly and pray that the Lord will just wrap His arms around me and comfort me to the very depths of my soul. At times, I feel as though I am shaking from those same depths and all I can do is rock myself like a child.

I am plagued with memories of hope immediately thrashed to pieces like slivered glass from a mirror image… shattered.

I wonder how it will all end up in the end, in eternity. I know that things don’t work out quite the same as far as being married, having children, etc. but I wonder if there is something for those who couldn’t have children in this life… special. It may not matter once we are there, I’m sure… but it would be nice. It gives something to look forward to now I suppose.

Not having children, leaves you in a separate category in life relationships. There is no relation between you and others who have children. Life changes us one way or another and because of that we draw closer to some and farther away from others because of similarity and such.

Bradley and I were talking the other day how ironic it is when you make the transition between being single to being a couple. They have “singles” groups at churches and social groups, but as soon as some two people become a couple, their relationship with their “single” friends changes inevitably.

Then, for a while perhaps, they are a couple without children. This is its own group that is occupied mostly by younger couples in their twenties. Then once they begin having children, it changes their relationship with those who have not had them yet, just as it did with their single friends. However, what happens if you never graduate to that “parent” category? Your just stuck in limbo with the twenty somethings until they move on. Age and maturity change us as well, so the relative association of the “category” we are in becomes very unique and it is hard to find others to relate to.

Bradley and I will never have any children. This is a fact. There are extenuating circumstances that I do not always go into publically, so it is difficult when we receive responses like, “Just give it time”. I know that is a typically generated response because it is an uncomfortable topic and people do not know how else to respond. Sometimes it is just better to say, “I am so sorry to hear that”.

I would like to include this video that captures a small portion of what it feels like after you loose a baby.

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4 Responses to “Infant Blues”

  1. While I can never truly know how you feel, I can keep you and your husband in my prayers. I hope you haven’t given up because babies may still be in your future. There is much evidence that nutrition and environmental toxins can be the cause and there are things you can do to affect these.

    Back when I raised Thoroughbred race horses I intentionally acquired many mares (Mother horses) who had long histories of being unable to conceive, or slipping early in pregnancy, or aborting late. I have a friend in Kentucky who did the same. Almost every one of them eventually DID start delivering healthy full-term foals because we greatly improved their nutrition.

    For humans that means eating more fresh organic produce, free range eggs and naturally (ideally organically grown grass-fed meat). It also means avoiding artificial substances common in packaged foods and “food” found in grocery stores.

    I would be happy to help you with the details as it is somewhat complicated. I hope one day to have a health blog that explains it simply but I don’t want you to have to wait. These issues affect your husband as well as you so he would want to eat healthier too.

    Here are some links you may wish to visit:

    http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0876/is_n76/ai_18850569/pg_1

    http://www.ewg.org/search – Great site where you can search for miscarriage or infertility and read the many issues that affect them.

    P.S. If you wish to keep this comment to yourself I understand. I hope you find this helpful as that is my intent. May God Bless.

    • truthoughts said

      I appreciate your comment. I completely understand where you are coming from regarding vitamins / minerals, etc. I was on the best out there. The company is called Eniva. In all tests (independent studies) they have been and remain ranked as number 1 in all counts. However, though it helped a little in the beginning… in the end, the result became life threatening for me. My husband had to have a vasectomy because we just couldn’t risk it. I was seen by specialists in the field of my condition… and the severity baffled them. So, I am posting your comment for others who may be going through something similar or much less severe… maybe it will help them. Thank you again for your comment.

  2. deboriah said

    I for one do understand to some degree what you are going through. You have described some of the same things I have gone through. When I was a young girl I gave up the only child I ever had for adoption. Although it was something I would have rather not done I chose that rather than abortion. You can read my story here: http://www.deboriah.com/wordofgrace/teentroub/teentroub.htm
    This tells of my teenage pregnancy.
    At the bottom of the page you will find a link to a page called his guiding hand …it tells how she found me. Here is the url to the page she found while looking for recipes and instead she found me. http://www.deboriah.com/wordofgrace/myrose/myrose.html

    I still have not met her and although that hurts I know that she is happy and safe. She has adopted 2 girls and is about to adopt a new born baby. I am proud of her.
    I have had several miscarriages and 2 tubal pregnancies. Nightmares of running down the halls searching for my baby. Dreams of having a baby and it turning into animals. I wonder sometimes if my “mother’s” heart will ever heal. Yes I do understand the pain.
    Have you considered adoption. Oh if not you might think about it. I think you would make a wonderful mother and there is a child or children out there that are not wanted. What better home could they have then one they are wanted in. God bless you hon and I will pray for you as well. 🙂

    • truthoughts said

      Deboriah,

      Wow… thank you for sharing your experiences with me. Its funny about your dreams where your baby turns into animals because I have had dreams where I have a baby wrapped in a blanket in my arms and it turns into a cat. Dreams are so odd that way.

      That is amazing about your daughter finding you. I hope that you will be able to meet her face to face one day soon. Do you know if she is a Christian? That is great that she has adopted children. I have known a few friends who were adopted and because of that, they desire to adopt children… even if they can have their own.

      Bradley and I have looked into adoption and surrogacy. Both are an option. It is pretty expensive, so there are many factors to consider. Things are getting pretty hairy regarding Christianity here in America, as they must in the last days… they are working on taking away parent’s rights over their children, etc. and this could cause a problem when adopting, etc. We will see. Whatever the Lord wills, will be and in the end… I know the babies we conceived are waiting in heaven to meet us one day. This is the hope that gets us through.

      I am so sorry that you had to give your daughter up for adoption, now knowing that would be the only baby you would have. I wish I could give you a hug 🙂 I really appreciate your comments here. Its amazing how much we have in common. Thank you for your prayers too.

      ~Alison

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