Truthoughts Today

Finding something in nothing…

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    • I Will Rest In You
      It has been a long time since I was able to post here and recently was encouraged to start posting again.  I will start by posting a video for those who are battle weary from the spiritual onslaught going on during these last days.  Be encouraged, replenished, and comforted… you are not alone.
    • The Word as an Onion
        Too many merely accept the Word on the surface.  They pick and choose this verse or that and build their doctrine out of it.  One instance for example is that in regard to adultery.  God’s Word says that you should not commit adultery; wherefore, those who have not slept with someone outside of their […]
    • 40 Days of Challenge – Day 6 Positive Practices and the Danger Zone
      40 Days of Challenge Day 6 Positive Practices and the Danger Zone           Positive Practices   Philippians 2:14 (KJV) “Do all things without murmurings (grumbling) and disputings”   Have you ever found yourself making an effort to go out of your way for someone only to find that they respond without […]
    • 40 Days of Challenge – Day 5 Dare to be Different
      40 Days of Challenge Day 5 Dare to be Different   The Post-It Challenge Jeremiah 29:11 (KJV) “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil (calamity), to give you an expected end (a future and a hope).” Isaiah 55:11-12 (KJV) “So shall My […]
    • 40 Days of Challenge – Day 4 Self Control and Thoughtfulness
      40 Days of Challenge Day 4 Self Control and Thoughtfulness   Self Control James 1:19-20 (KJV)  “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not (does not produce) the righteousness of God.” Many times in our human relationships, we find […]
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Working On… Working Out

Posted by truthoughts on December 20, 2008

I have been feeling a bit strange lately. I haven’t been sure if it was me having panic attacks or something else. It would make sense if it were, however, when it comes upon me… I am not particularly feeling “panic” like. Could it be a subconscious panic attack? Is that something that is possible?

See, lately… every once in a while, I get all of a sudden, this extremely heavy heart pounding in my chest that I can feel throughout my body. It makes it difficult to breath as normal and at times makes me feel a bit nauseas and a little jittery every once in a while. I know that the first thought would be that it was the start of a heart attack or something.

I have been under a lot of stress lately, but then again… I can’t remember the last time that I wasn’t, LOL.

We have this juice called VIBE and it includes all of the needed vitamins and minerals. We gave this to our kitty who was on the feeding tube and she was on her death bed… well, she made a full recovery! Anyway, I haven’t been able to take it regularly because of money and wanting her to have plenty. I was going to start taking it again but we ran out of orange juice and that is what I drink it with… it is very potent because it is concentrated. So, I am waiting for my sweet hubby to go to the store and get some more so I can have some juice. Hopefully this will help take care of the situation.

I have also been watching what I am eating, how much I am eating and how often. I started eating more after the loss of our babies, as a way of comforting myself I suppose. Sometimes out of boredom. Anyway, I gained a little weight from it… not a lot, but on my size frame (5’2) it seems like more. Some of my pictures you can see on my Flicker, you can tell that I was not really fit as I use to be. Well, I have lost a lot of weight from last year, but I still have some to go for me to be where I would like to be.

So, for the past two weeks, I have been trying not to eat so much. I don’t want to be able to eat an entire box of mac-n-cheese by myself. Plus, I don’t want to be hungry 30 minutes after I have eaten. Anyway, I have gotten some soups by Campbell’s that are in microwavable cups and they don’t have as much salt. I figured that I would have cereal for breakfast in a small bowl, then soup or salad for lunch and then a little larger meal for dinner. My plan was to eat dinner sometime between 5pm-7pm and that could carry me through the night.

Well, sometimes I can do this without hesitation and others… especially if I stay up really late and start to get hungry again… it becomes more of a challenge. I am beginning to “control” my stomach, how it feels hungry or not. When I think that I am beginning to feel hungry, first I evaluate the situation. I think to myself… when did I last eat? I think about the effort to prepare the food and is it worth it, time wise? Also, sometimes I try drinking water to see if maybe I was just thirsty (this works sometimes). Finally, I think about my worst picture when I was at my heaviest… if I still think that I am hungry, then I try to relax my body… mostly the stomach area, and eat slowly. This allows me not to eat so much and sometimes, relaxing my tummy takes away the hunger.

When I think that it is out of stress or boredom that I feel like I want to eat, then I either try to find something more active to do with my mind or I try to think through the situation that is stressing me… in any case, I pray about it.

Another thing that I was trying to do, was to exercise. This is my down fall. See, I use to be extremely active growing up. I was in soccer, cheerleading, dance and beyond all of that, I still had more energy than I knew what to do with. I would run, do aerobics, etc. When my mom would say to me, “you should run around the house” because I had too much energy for her… I would!

I remember times when I would lay on my side on the floor and just run, which would make me go around in a circle on the carpet. Funny image, but true! LOL

WHERE IS THAT ENERGY NOW!!!???

I can’t seem to be consistent with exercising. I am an over achiever, so I tend to out do myself and then regret it the next day. I get excited to do it, when I watch shows like the Biggest Looser. The dedication amazes me to no end! Well… that is my weakness.

So, I have focused on cleaning our home. Trust me, that in itself is a workout! This gives me an immediate result that I can enjoy; plus, it gets me moving. I figure, its a beginning. Once I get it all down, then maybe I won’t dread working out on a regular basis and I won’t regret it later, when I do it.

There was this girl at my school. Her and I were pretty good friends… well, in gym class, they would have us run/walk around the gym for 20 minutes every day. Well, I would keep pace with her because she really pushed herself. I was able to do it because I would just focus on her and I wouldn’t think about the fact that I “had” to do it myself… I was just following the leader and pushing myself because I could. There was some sort of competition stance in me with that, but it was a good competition. She taught me how to pace myself with running in that gym. I guess that means that I should do well with exercise tapes or a trainer, LOL.

I think that exercise tapes are boring and trainers are too expensive, so what then? We have a gym in our subdivision but again… I push myself too hard or not hard enough and it seems to become a waste. Hopefully I will figure that part out, but for now… I will continue doing what I am and build up to the other.

If any of you have any suggestions, I am open to hearing about them. What has worked for you? What are your weaknesses that you struggle with? Have you overcome them?

I am looking forward to reading all that you have to say.

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Truthoughts Today – Insight on a Sunday

Posted by truthoughts on December 14, 2008

So, I’ve been a busy little bee lately. I have been working with my husband and a good friend of ours to launch a new company… and boy does it take a lot of work. Don’t get me wrong… I am loving every minute of it! Everything is so new and exciting, I just love that. I have always loved creating new projects and organizing things, maybe it is quirky but that’s my forte. =D

This past week, I have been creating all of our paperwork and working on our website (http://homeshield.wordpress.com). I know you can’t see very much on the site just yet, but that is because I have been working on the back end so that all of the pertinent information will be included right off the bat.

puerto-vallarta-balcony-pic

As I write this, I am enjoying a lazy Sunday afternoon. I am sitting in my home office with the window open to a beautiful warm breeze while listening to Enya on a CD. I have a large photo on my wall of Puerto Vallarta… overlooking a balcony to the ocean… it is very peaceful and that is how I feel right now.  My sheers on the window are blowing in waves with the breeze and the sun is softly cascading through in a shimmery glaze. It just makes me want to lay out on a white beach and feel the stillness and warmth of the day on my skin as peaceful sounds of waves cresting the shore and seagulls echo from the distance. I can just imagine the rustling of palm branches from behind and the faint sound of chatter from families a short ways away slowly drifting as they tend to, right before you fall to sleep. It reminds me of when I am on an airplane and the sound muffles as the cabin pressure changes.

kitten-in-hammock-pic

I have been trying to figure out a way to balance my activities as they seem to grow daily and I think I have figured out some ideas. I am going to try to update my blogs and catch up on my twitter followers, etc. on Sundays. I think that if I “schedule” time for those things, then they may actually get done, LOL! I know that if I don’t, they surely will not happen.

I envy those who can sit down for a few minutes and punch out some magnificient post that is so thought provoking, etc. and watching them… its as though they don’t even think about it… it just comes. Maybe that is the perfectionist in me that doesn’t allow me to do the same. I am actually pushing myself to just write, now. It reminds me of when I was in school and our teacher would have us “free write” in class. They would tell us not to think, but just to write whatever came into our minds… in the end, you may just end up with something. If nothing else, you should be able to get to know yourself better because it is “true”.

I have always had a hard time journaling because I have always wanted to critique it, fearing someone would find it someday and think poorly of me. Funny, I know… but that is what would hold me back. So, needless to say, this blog is a personal work in progress. Thank you for taking part in my journey. =D

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Truthoughts Updates

Posted by truthoughts on November 22, 2008

Well, long time no type! LOL… I have been very busy lately and haven’t had much time to type out a blog post. I always feel like it has to be “just so long” to make it a post, so I guess that has discouraged me a bit from taking the time to post. Anyway, I have been working on some other things online that I would like to share with you here.

Twitter

One of the things I have been setting up is my Twitter account as you can see the bird picture on the right side of this site. You can check out my Truthoughts Twitter if you are interested in my quick updates. There is a video out there about what people have thought about Twitter… its funny, but it truely is what people think. Don’t get me wrong, there are those out there but it doen’t apply to everyone. Just like everywhere else, you try to pick your “friends” well.

StumbleUpon

Another area that I have been focusing on is my StumbleUpon (SU) account. My Truthoughts SU has been focusing on posting photo’s, etc. that have inspired me in some way or another. So, if you would like to see some unique, peaceful or inspiring images… come visit my page.

Business

Other than that, I have been working with my husband on our start-up company whose goal is to create the world’s largest “Green” network. Now, just so I am clearly understood… I believe that we, as Christians, are responsible for being good stewards of what God has entrusted us with but I do NOT believe that our resources will run out based on our own efforts or lack thereof. I believe that during the Great Tribulation there will be massive situations that the world will have to face regarding famines, water turning to blood, oceans being poisoned by wormwood, etc. but that has nothing to do with “our efforts” other than prevalent sin that has grown throughout the world population. One way or another it all runs its course based on God’s will and His timing, not within our control.

That being said, again I wish to redirect focus on being a good steward of what God has entrusted to us, which includes using wisdom with our finances and providing for our families, etc. with areas such as solar power, proper insulation, etc. Basically, why rely on man made resources when we can rely on God’s resources in the most efficient way of utilizing as possible?

In Closing

Well, that is all I have been up to lately. At times it feels as though there are not enough hours in the day and others seem to drag on with no end, LOL. I hope to update my blogs more often in the near future… I just have to work out a balanced schedule.

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A Birthday I will NEVER forget!

Posted by truthoughts on August 14, 2008

For this birthday, I almost ended up in the hospital… As you can see by the pictures below, it left a lasting impression! My birthday was on August 13th and I had a decent day thanks to my husband. The incident which brought on the pics below happened a couple days before it though…

Bradley and I were coming home from the store and it was beginning to rain, so I hurried to the back of the car to get our bags from the store out of the trunk. As I was doing this, Bradley said “Ow” because he had hit his knee on the door as he was trying to get out of the car. I felt bad so I wanted to hurry even faster so that he wouldn’t have to be in the rain any longer than he might have been otherwise. Well, this was to my detriment.

As I opened the trunk, the door flew upward quite fast and as I was beginning to lean in to grab the bags it started its decent. Luckily, I noticed it was coming down though not quick enough because I began to look up right as it hit me on the bridge of the nose. My reaction instinct was to raise my right arm in an attempt to take the brunt of the blow. Well, it is a good thing that I did as you can see from the pictures. The trunk door hit my nose first, then my arm and as it began to swing back upward, it smacked me in the forehead along the way. Oh my gosh, it hurt so badly. I wasn’t sure what to grab onto first, my nose or my arm… my forehead was an after-thought. Needless to say, Bradley had to stay out in the rain longer to get the bags since I couldn’t hold them at this point. I ran to the door to our home and kept saying how bad of a bruise it was going to be. Bradley just kept asking if I was ok, he felt so bad.  Well, over the next few days… today included, we see the bruises changing colors like a twisted and demented rainbow. LOL.

Bradley went to the store and asked the Pharmacist what would be the best medicine for the pain and swelling. The Pharmacist recommended Ibuprofen, so that is what I took all day the day it happened. On my birthday though, I didn’t want to take anything because they made me feel very loopy. However, the pain was still very strong… so I really couldn’t do very much.

Bradley was a sweetie though. He sent me some ecards and made me a cute little sign for me to wake up to by the bed that wished me a happy birthday. He gave me my favorite roses (fire and ice) and left a card for me on my pillow so that I would find it when I was ready for bed. He also got me a gorgeous and decadent cake with the best tasting strawberry I have ever had! The chocolate is so rich and thick! Though it looks like a small cake, its quality is amazing and feels like a huge cake! Oh, he also promised to clean the entire house for me ~ Wow, what more could a girl ask for!!! (a man willing to do housework and chocolate – LOL! He is my prince!

 

I received many emails wishing me happy birthday with some ecards from friends all over, while others called to sing. I felt really badly though because I wasn’t really in a good place for phone conversations and those I did manage to talk to… I probably sounded drugged – oh my!

Well, I do not like taking medications, so I have been trying very hard to hold off when I can but the pain is still there. I am glad that I have kitties because they are a great distraction when I am not feeling well. The kitties always are doing something funny, silly or cute. I am going out to dinner with my family this weekend for my birthday and I am excited about that. I always love seeing my niece and nephew, they are great kids. My niece and nephew made pictures and framed them for Bradley on his birthday, so I am excited to see what they have done for mine! I hung up their pictures as soon as we got home from Bradley’s dinner. My niece is 8 and my nephew is 7, so their art work is so sweet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, another thing that Bradley is working on for my birthday… kind of a late birthday gift, is a photo montage video of me growing up. I am very excited to see how that comes up. I will be sure to share it here with all of you as soon as he has it posted on youtube. He really loves being creative like that. He is so fun! I am so blessed to have married my best friend! He has always been able to make me laugh, even in the toughest times.

Anyway, I will be sure to write about how my birthday dinner goes. Maybe I can share some pictures of it all here for you to see. So, thank you for stopping by and reading about my birthday experiences. I hope that you come back again soon to see how my birthday meal goes… you may get a laugh!

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A Must See Tribute…

Posted by truthoughts on August 11, 2008

This is a must see video which was created by my husband. I hope that this video brings you much enjoyment and brightens your day. It is amazing how images so preacious can melt your heart and bring a smile to your face.

Well, as many of you may have read in my previous posts… we have some wonderful new kittens. Well, is a tribute video with some of their pictures to share with you here. The song that is on the video is “My Funny Valentine” performed by Matt Damon from the movie the Talented Mr. Ripley. I hope that you enjoy the video and let me know what you think.

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They Have Arrived ~ 5 New Kittens!

Posted by truthoughts on July 19, 2008

Click here for Part I.  Part I tells the prestory of Mieshka coming to our home and her pregnancy. It took me a while to be able to post that story because I was having numerous problems with uploading pictures. So, to update you, she has had her babies! Mieshka had her babies on July 13, 2008 beginning around 7:00 pm. Her babies are at this point, 6 days old and very cute. (sorry the first pic is sideways)

We had a few problems with the orange tabby when he was born… he wasn’t breathing. Mieshka wouldn’t begin cleaning him to clear the gel from his face, so I had to get a wet cloth and clear his nose and mouth area. He began to joke on the gel as he breathed it in deeply. I was so worried and began praying while I lightly rubbed his back with the cloth to try and clear his lungs. As I would do this, he would begin breathing, but as soon as I would stop, so would he.

At one point, Mieshka, while he was still attached through the umbilical chord, stood up and turned around. This caused him to dangle in the air and slammed him onto the flooring as she sat back down. Well, when this happened, his neck twisted and I thought he may have just broken his neck – while he was still not breathing. Oh my gosh!!! My heart was racing and I began praying even harder and more panic like.

Well, I kept working on him and eventually, she got around to cleaning him and he ended up being fine. What a relief! I just couldn’t imagine the devistation of him not making it. Soon after the scary ordeal, he began to behave as though he was invincible. I told Bradley that becaus he cheated death at birth, he thought he was superman! We have named him Tigger.

We are still pondering the names of the others. Mieshka had 3 boys and 2 girls. The boys are the Black one, Orange one and White one. The girls are the Calico one and the Off White one. It is hard to tell the difference on the pictures which one is the white one and which is the off white one, but the off white one is beginning to darken her features like her ears, paw pads and nose.

The day after they were born, we took them to the vet because Mieshka hadn’t passed any after birth (our previous cat did after having kittens). Well, he took an exray and said she was fine and that there didn’t seem to be anything more to pass. They also gave her a pill to get rid of the flea-tape worms. We had gotten rid of the fleas just in time for her to have her babies, thank the Lord! Now, she doesn’t have the tape worms either!

At present, we have them in a plastic tub in our bathroom. Mieshka likes it there because no one bothers her. Bradley has been picking up the babies a lot and she is not too fond of that, but they are getting better about crying now. The vet said that she had a full bladder and she really needed to pee, so as soon as we brought her back home, I put her in the litter box and made her pee. Ah, she was so relieved – I could see it in her face.

Now she knows that she can leave her babies for moments to eat, drink and go to the bathroom without worrying. She seems to prefer to do those things when I am in there because if her babies stir, I put my hand over them to give them warmth and they calm down. We still have a baby monitor in there so that I can hear them. A couple of times, Mieshka has laid on one of them and they scream.

When they get a bit bigger and can see, we will let them into our bedroom. Then after a little while, when they are ready, we will introduce them to our other kitties. I am so happy to have them. They are such little blessings. I will try to take more pictures and share them with you here as the get bigger. I may check with Bradley on how to set up a webcam and upload some video of them on Youtube. If I do, I will post that here too.

The order that they were born is:

1. Black (boy)
2. White (boy)
3. Calico (girl)
4. Orange Tabby (boy)
5. Off White (girl)

So, I hope that you enjoy the pictures. If you have any name ideas, please feel free to share them. I was thinking of maybe naming the off white girl “Winnie” because I like Winnie the Pooh and Bradley named the orange tabby “Tigger”. What do you think??? The calico girl is very docile and gentle, she is very quiet too. The black one is the biggest in the bunch. Also, if you have any fun kitten stories, I would love to hear them! I hope that I will have many to share here as they get older.

In this last picture, I am showing all of them together. The previous pictures are of right after they were born. I will write more because I have so many more pictures to share. Please check back for updates or subscribe to be alerted as soon as I update my posts. I hope you have enjoyed seeing our new additions and I look forward to your comments. Have a wonderful day!

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Our new addition ~ Kitty plus… HOW MANY BABIES???

Posted by truthoughts on July 19, 2008

Mieshka Pregnant

Mieshka Pregnant

It has been awhile since my last post, so today I thought that I would write about our new kitty. B and I were out one day and when we came home, there was a young kitty in our bushes. This little kitty was a girl and she was so sweet. She looked like she was starving. It was so hot and humid outside that we felt very bad for her, so I got her some food and water. I left the food and water outside our door on our porch. She ate so fast that you could hear her moaning as she ate.

We had decided that we would not let her in unless she was still there hours later. Normally, if a cat has a home and they are just outside… well, for one, they are not starving like this little one was… and secondly, they will leave soon after.

We had never seen this kitty around before and she was still on our doorstep over 4 hours later… So, we took her in. Now, there was a small problem. This sweet little girl had fleas. Luckily, the fleas weren’t that bad, meaning that she wasn’t infested with them or anything. We gave her a bath and powdered her down with some flea powder and we powdered our carpet around the bathroom (where we kept her) door with Borax, which is a great way to kill fleas that get into your carpet.

So, we kept her in the guest bathroom for about a week. Every couple of days we would give her a bath, powder her down and clean the bathroom… as well as the towel we had down for her to lay on.

Well, after a few days, I began noticing that she was getting a little larger in the belly area. I thought, “Oh my, is she pregnant?!!!” I told B what I thought and his eyes widened and glazed over. He said that he hoped not.

A few days more and I thought that I felt movement in her belly, so I said that we should take her to the vet. Now, by the time we got an appointment and took her in, they almost laughed when they said that Yes, she is pregnant.  By this time, she was quite large and her boobies where in full form. She was so big that the vet said he thought she would have them that week. Well, on Monday, it will have been 2 weeks since he said that and she hasn’t had them yet.

I really didn’t think that she could get any bigger, yet she has… quite a bit bigger. I am beginning to worry about how many babies she may have. It is so fun to watch and feel them moving inside her belly. Well, the fleas are taken care of and we have moved her into our Master Bathroom because it is bigger.

I have created a bedding area for her in one of our pet taxis, which she lays in from time to time. I think she prefers the sink. Now, she has tape worms which was caused by the fleas. The vet said that it was nothing to worry about and that they would take care of them once she had the babies. So, for now, we have to deal with the rice like droppings until she has her babies. It kind of grosses me out, but at least they aren’t fleas!

At present, we have borrowed a baby monitor from one of our neighbors so that I can hear if she goes into labor when I am downstairs. She has learned where the speaker part is and when she feels lonely, she will talk into that part and I come up to her. She has quiet the set up in there I tell ya.

One freaky thing though was the other night… B had to work late and a freak thunderstorm came around which cut off the electricity. Well, the bathroom became completely dark. I had been sitting with her for about 3 hours already because she was acting as though she was going to have her babies that day. Well, this little girl does not like it when it is completely dark… yes I know that cats can see in the dark, but for some reason, when it is dark… she cries. Therefore, we have a nightlight set up for her and she is fine… however, when the electricity went out, she became uncomfortable, so I lit some candles and put them into the glass shower (so she couldn’t get to them). They provided tolerable light but created a lot of heat… no air during this time and the window in the bathroom doesn’t open.

Well, needless to say, she did NOT have her babies that night and we are still waiting… (To Be Continued in Part II)

PS*** she toots! Audibly and Smelly! I just heard her toot on the monitor – LOL!!!!!

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An Inspiring Video – Must See!!!

Posted by truthoughts on June 22, 2008

My Redemer Lives Video

Click Here for the Video

I just wanted to share this video that I found through Stumbleupon that is really great and inspiring. The dept of love this man has for his son is beyond words. The caption for the video on the site is, “Incredible video about the relationship between a father and son…. and God’s relationship with us.” Keeping this in mind while watching this video, a person would have to be completely dead inside to not be moved to the innermost parts. After watching this, I couldn’t speak for a few minutes because of the emotions it stirred. Please let me know how this video makes you feel. I look forward to your comments. Have a blessed day!

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The Death of my Dad – Part II

Posted by truthoughts on June 6, 2008


If you have the ability to listen to this video, please do as you read because it will enhance your reading experience. This was the song that I listened to throughout my grieving period and it was comforting.

Part I

As I stated in my previous post, this ended up being one of the most emotionally draining experiences of my life.

So, now I was at my dad’s house and my step mom was there with the youngest of my 3 stepsisters. Though she was the youngest, she was still older than I was. Now, let me begin this part of the story with letting you know that my step mom is a bit over dramatic and a queen of pity parties; this being to the point that my stepsister felt the need to warn me before entering the house so I would know what to expect.

Over the next few days, I would be subjected to listening to the ‘death story’ repeatedly, more times than I could count. At one point, I just had to go outside to get away from it for a while. My stepsister joined me and tried to comfort me, understanding that her mother was being ridiculous, even for the situation. I cannot convey an accurate view of how she was going on about it all, but it just wasn’t normal. I even had other family members take me aside at times to ask me why she was being so outlandish; it really was embarrassing to everyone.

At one point, the family (extended family included) was having dinner at a restaurant and she just flipped. Someone asked her how she was holding up and she verbally bashed them in front of the entire restaurant. It was an elderly woman who had asked; I think she was in her 70’s or so. Then everyone just looked at me like I was suppose to do something about it… I was 19 and hadn’t seen her since I was 8 (she didn’t come to my grandmother’s funeral).

It was like this day in and day out. At one point, I was taking a bath b/c for some reason they did not have a shower in the guest bathroom, and she barged in and started complaining about all sorts of things, like why were people asking her how she was holding up. Oh, did I tell you that they also did not have a shower curtain??? I felt so violated.

My only comforting moments were spent with my dad’s dog, Sassy, who would come in with me during the night.

Oh my, that reminds me… my sister came in my room one night at about 4 am talking all sorts of gibberish and flopped on the bed. My step mom came in because of the noise and told her to go back to bed. Apparently, she was sleep walking.

Ok, so I think on the third night I was there, my step mom, sister and I all went to dinner – I don’t remember where, but when the waiter came to ask us what we wanted… all of a sudden… BAM!!!! It finally hit me!

Right there in the restaurant I began to cry uncontrollably (which is not like me). I was so embarrassed and felt so alone, I didn’t have anyone to talk to because my step mom was literally loosing it so I couldn’t burden her with my thoughts and feelings, my mom was in another state and I couldn’t call her long distance, my aunt was grieving and dealing with her personal problems between her and my step mom (they were arguing over the grave and who would pay what, etc.) on and on and on…

So, I ran to the bathroom while hearing my step mom then proceed to explain to the waiter that my dad had just died and she went into full detail of how, etc.

While in the bathroom, all I could do was pray. I prayed that God would be with me through this very difficult time and that He would give me the comfort and strength to get through all of this. I was not aware at the time, just how He would do this… but He did.

The next day was the viewing and this brought a whole new stress to the situation. My step mom had a death grip on me until others showed up. Once other family and friends showed up, she left me to gain support from them… the ones who would still talk to her by that point. She had nearly attacked almost everyone in my family by that point.

During this time, I stayed by my dad’s casket and stared at him. I knew it wasn’t him but his body… I wondered what he might have thought when he was dieing. Did he think about me? I placed my hand upon his and said my good-byes. I didn’t want to leave his side, but others came to me to say that I should allow others to give their respects, so I sat down in a pew about three from the front.

I looked around to see everyone giving comfort to my step mom and talking amongst themselves, but no one came to me… they didn’t know me or were preoccupied by the somewhat family reunion.

I placed my head in my arms, which rested on the back of the pew in front of me and prayed again for comfort and strength.

Well, the next thing I knew, I felt a hand on my shoulder, then another one on my back. I heard the voice of a child saying to me as she caressed my hair, “Its alright, don’t be sad, he is in heaven. It’s going to be ok.”

I looked up and I was surrounded by about 8 children from 3 years to around 8 years old… all trying to comfort me. This moved me so deeply that I almost couldn’t speak. All I could say is, “I know” and “Thank you”… They stayed with me.

No adult ever came to me, no adult ever said a word to me that night… just the children. I knew that was God. He used the little children to comfort me. Through the mouths of babes, I tell ya.

The next day was the funeral.

Early, we awoke and got ready. Everything seemed fine, as fine could be. Then came the limousines. As soon as we stepped out of the doorway to the house, my step mom began screaming and saying “No, no, no” while she planted her feet in the ground, forcing others to practically drag her to the car.

My aunt was there by this time (at the house). Once we were in the car, my step mom, my stepsisters, their kids and me… when my aunt was going to get into the car, my step mom said to her that there was no room for her. This really upset my aunt because she was more family to my dad then my step sisters and kids, plus, I think I heard later that my aunt was the one paying for it.

I had to hear my step mom complain about it all the way to the funeral. I just wanted to jump out of the car and run as far away from everything as I could.

Once we got to where the funeral service was held… we had some time, so I didn’t think I could handle being around everyone then… I went to the restroom which had a sitting room attached to it. I sat there and prayed. I didn’t know how I was going to get through this.

The next thing I knew was that someone came in and said that they were about to start the services. So, I gathered my composure and went to the sanctuary. On my way down the isle a man who said that he was very pleased to finally meet me stopped me. He told me that my dad spoke of me often. This made me feel a bit better. I also found out that he didn’t know that I had another sister, which I thought was interesting (for more history about that please click here).

I do not remember the funeral, as far as what was said but I have a video of it, though, it not very good quality. When we were at the gravesite, I sat in the front with the other immediate family members, excluding my aunt again and her family, thanks to my step mom. The things I remember about this, was that the sun broke through the clouds… a plane flew over head and the priest kept looking at me oddly as he spoke and prayed. It was almost like he could see something… but what, I thought. My dad had to have a priest preside over the burial because the gravesite was at a Catholic cemetery. It was a family plot that my grandparents paid for long before I was even a thought.

The only other part that I remember now, is my flight home. It was the first time that I was leaving L.A. without spending time with my grandmother and/or my dad. I thought how my experiences with California died with them… and I began to cry. I remember listening to a tape I had brought with me: “I’ll Be There” by the Escape Club below is the actual video for the song…

Tear just flowed down my face. A flight attendant asked me if I was ok, so I told him that my dad had died. He was very attentive after that and I greatly appreciated it. Over the next years, it would hit me here and there. I just learned to let myself feel the pain so that I wouldn’t explode in the future.

There are times that I wish that I could share with him. We began speaking again when I was in high school, over the phone. I had told him that I would be visiting him that summer, but I wasn’t able to. It brings back memories of almost seeing my grandmother but she died right before I was able.

If you get nothing else out of this post, please don’t hesitate to spend the time that you have with your loved ones. Tell them how you feel… and trust in God to carry you through those times that you don’t think you can make it through – He won’t let you down. Thank you for reading this. I look forward to your comments.

Posted in Christian Life, death, Diary, Emotions, Family, Journal, Life, Memories, People, Personal, Pictures, Random Thoughts, Reflections, Relationships, thoughts | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 14 Comments »

The Death of my Dad – Part I

Posted by truthoughts on June 6, 2008


If you have the ability to listen to this video, please do as you read because it will enhance your reading experience. This was the song that I listened to throughout my grieving period and it was comforting.

Today I am going to write about the death of my dad. I have previously shared some minute details HERE about my relationship with my dad but I haven’t really gone into what happened when he died. So, here we go…

My dad passed away when I was barely 19 and I had not actually seen him since I was 13 at my grandmother’s funeral, which you can read about HERE and before that when I was 8, more on that HERE.

So, I had just moved back from North Carolina to Texas (I will write about that in another post). I was living with my brother at the time, my mom was in North Carolina… Anyway, I was asleep and the phone rang. Well, my brother was at work so I answered it. My mom was on the other line. Let me back up a bit…

First of all, when the phone rang, I got this gut wrenching feeling that made me feel nauseas and I wasn’t sure if I should answer it, but because my brother wasn’t there I thought that I better. So, I did.

As soon as I heard my mom’s voice sounding somber, I knew something had happened. Well, my first reaction was again as before with my grandmother’s death, was to ask who died… but this time I thought better of it not to. I always felt guilty for that moment in the past, almost as though I caused it by predicting it – even after the fact of it happening. If you are lost in this post, please read the previous ones with links listed above.

Anyhow, this time, I decided to stay silent and let her tell me whatever she was going to tell me… but as before, she hesitated, which forced me to ask her to just tell me. So, she did.

She said that she had some bad news and it was about my dad. Now, because this conversation was taking way too long for my patience, I couldn’t help myself but to speed it along by asking… “Did he die?” She said, “Yes.”

So, I asked what happened, as the all too familiar numbness over took my mind and body. After she was done explaining the few details that she knew, I had to ask again because my mind had officially gone into shock. She then repeated herself by telling me that all she knew was that he died in his sleep the night before and that my step mom would be calling me.

It was odd, the feelings or lack thereof that over took me. I thought to myself that I should cry, yet, no tears would come. I then thought… uh oh, when this hits me it is going to be bad. I later found that to be an accurate thought.

[side note: I can already tell that this is going to be a long post so I may need to break it up into two posts… sorry about that.]

I knew that I was going to have to do a lot over the next few days and it wasn’t going to be easy. You see, I am a very introverted person… very shy, and I was going to have to go through all of this on my own.

My first objective was to book a flight. Well, after speaking with a travel agent and hearing how much it was going to cost… I wasn’t sure I would be able to fly to CA for the funeral. She told me that I could get a bereavement discount if I could provide a death certificate along with the location and details of the funeral… now I had to get all of that information and get it to them within a day. That task in its self was almost too much to deal with.

When my step mom finally called, she told me that she was putting it off as long as possible because she was dreading telling me.

She told me that he had been having headaches for about a week but refused to go to the doctor because he hated doctors. She said that during the day he died, he was unusually tired and ended up going to bed early. When she went to bed, he told her that he loved her and rolled over to go back to sleep. Well, in the night, she had to go to the restroom and while she was there she heard something sounding like him taking a really deep breath.

She checked on him and he had passed away. She freaked out and called 911. The operator told her to put him on a hard surface and perform respiration on him. Well, he was too heavy for her so she had to go get the neighbor to help her. He came over and helped her, but it was too late.

He was pronounced dead at the hospital. They said, that he had a brain aneurysm, which caused a heart attack.

So, she then helped me with getting the information that I needed to be able to fly out there. Next I had to deal with where I was going to stay… Boy, this turned out to be a lasting hassle that I was not prepared for. See, my aunt… my dad’s sister, wanted me to stay with them and my step mom wanted me to stay with her.

Well, I flew in to LA and ended up waiting an hour before my aunt got there to pick me up… that side of my family seems to always be late as you know from reading the post about when I was 8.

When she finally showed up, she was with my cousin… the one I spoke about regarding my grandmother’s death. Well, when she was asking me repeatedly to stay with them, he was there giving me the look of death. He desperately did NOT want me staying with them. I proceeded to tell her that I really appreciated her offer but that I thought that my step mom needed me to stay with her and that I wanted to be where my dad’s things were. She said ok and finally dropped it to the relief of my cousin.

My aunt drove us to Taco Bell, which was great because I was starving at the time and then she took me to my dad’s house. I did not know at the time that I should have enjoyed my flight and meal for as long as I could because what was coming was going to be one of the most emotionally draining experiences of my life…

To continue reading this story, please click here.

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