The Death of my Dad – Part II

If you have the ability to listen to this video, please do as you read because it will enhance your reading experience. This was the song that I listened to throughout my grieving period and it was comforting.

Part I

As I stated in my previous post, this ended up being one of the most emotionally draining experiences of my life.

So, now I was at my dad’s house and my step mom was there with the youngest of my 3 stepsisters. Though she was the youngest, she was still older than I was. Now, let me begin this part of the story with letting you know that my step mom is a bit over dramatic and a queen of pity parties; this being to the point that my stepsister felt the need to warn me before entering the house so I would know what to expect.

Over the next few days, I would be subjected to listening to the ‘death story’ repeatedly, more times than I could count. At one point, I just had to go outside to get away from it for a while. My stepsister joined me and tried to comfort me, understanding that her mother was being ridiculous, even for the situation. I cannot convey an accurate view of how she was going on about it all, but it just wasn’t normal. I even had other family members take me aside at times to ask me why she was being so outlandish; it really was embarrassing to everyone.

At one point, the family (extended family included) was having dinner at a restaurant and she just flipped. Someone asked her how she was holding up and she verbally bashed them in front of the entire restaurant. It was an elderly woman who had asked; I think she was in her 70’s or so. Then everyone just looked at me like I was suppose to do something about it… I was 19 and hadn’t seen her since I was 8 (she didn’t come to my grandmother’s funeral).

It was like this day in and day out. At one point, I was taking a bath b/c for some reason they did not have a shower in the guest bathroom, and she barged in and started complaining about all sorts of things, like why were people asking her how she was holding up. Oh, did I tell you that they also did not have a shower curtain??? I felt so violated.

My only comforting moments were spent with my dad’s dog, Sassy, who would come in with me during the night.

Oh my, that reminds me… my sister came in my room one night at about 4 am talking all sorts of gibberish and flopped on the bed. My step mom came in because of the noise and told her to go back to bed. Apparently, she was sleep walking.

Ok, so I think on the third night I was there, my step mom, sister and I all went to dinner – I don’t remember where, but when the waiter came to ask us what we wanted… all of a sudden… BAM!!!! It finally hit me!

Right there in the restaurant I began to cry uncontrollably (which is not like me). I was so embarrassed and felt so alone, I didn’t have anyone to talk to because my step mom was literally loosing it so I couldn’t burden her with my thoughts and feelings, my mom was in another state and I couldn’t call her long distance, my aunt was grieving and dealing with her personal problems between her and my step mom (they were arguing over the grave and who would pay what, etc.) on and on and on…

So, I ran to the bathroom while hearing my step mom then proceed to explain to the waiter that my dad had just died and she went into full detail of how, etc.

While in the bathroom, all I could do was pray. I prayed that God would be with me through this very difficult time and that He would give me the comfort and strength to get through all of this. I was not aware at the time, just how He would do this… but He did.

The next day was the viewing and this brought a whole new stress to the situation. My step mom had a death grip on me until others showed up. Once other family and friends showed up, she left me to gain support from them… the ones who would still talk to her by that point. She had nearly attacked almost everyone in my family by that point.

During this time, I stayed by my dad’s casket and stared at him. I knew it wasn’t him but his body… I wondered what he might have thought when he was dieing. Did he think about me? I placed my hand upon his and said my good-byes. I didn’t want to leave his side, but others came to me to say that I should allow others to give their respects, so I sat down in a pew about three from the front.

I looked around to see everyone giving comfort to my step mom and talking amongst themselves, but no one came to me… they didn’t know me or were preoccupied by the somewhat family reunion.

I placed my head in my arms, which rested on the back of the pew in front of me and prayed again for comfort and strength.

Well, the next thing I knew, I felt a hand on my shoulder, then another one on my back. I heard the voice of a child saying to me as she caressed my hair, “Its alright, don’t be sad, he is in heaven. It’s going to be ok.”

I looked up and I was surrounded by about 8 children from 3 years to around 8 years old… all trying to comfort me. This moved me so deeply that I almost couldn’t speak. All I could say is, “I know” and “Thank you”… They stayed with me.

No adult ever came to me, no adult ever said a word to me that night… just the children. I knew that was God. He used the little children to comfort me. Through the mouths of babes, I tell ya.

The next day was the funeral.

Early, we awoke and got ready. Everything seemed fine, as fine could be. Then came the limousines. As soon as we stepped out of the doorway to the house, my step mom began screaming and saying “No, no, no” while she planted her feet in the ground, forcing others to practically drag her to the car.

My aunt was there by this time (at the house). Once we were in the car, my step mom, my stepsisters, their kids and me… when my aunt was going to get into the car, my step mom said to her that there was no room for her. This really upset my aunt because she was more family to my dad then my step sisters and kids, plus, I think I heard later that my aunt was the one paying for it.

I had to hear my step mom complain about it all the way to the funeral. I just wanted to jump out of the car and run as far away from everything as I could.

Once we got to where the funeral service was held… we had some time, so I didn’t think I could handle being around everyone then… I went to the restroom which had a sitting room attached to it. I sat there and prayed. I didn’t know how I was going to get through this.

The next thing I knew was that someone came in and said that they were about to start the services. So, I gathered my composure and went to the sanctuary. On my way down the isle a man who said that he was very pleased to finally meet me stopped me. He told me that my dad spoke of me often. This made me feel a bit better. I also found out that he didn’t know that I had another sister, which I thought was interesting (for more history about that please click here).

I do not remember the funeral, as far as what was said but I have a video of it, though, it not very good quality. When we were at the gravesite, I sat in the front with the other immediate family members, excluding my aunt again and her family, thanks to my step mom. The things I remember about this, was that the sun broke through the clouds… a plane flew over head and the priest kept looking at me oddly as he spoke and prayed. It was almost like he could see something… but what, I thought. My dad had to have a priest preside over the burial because the gravesite was at a Catholic cemetery. It was a family plot that my grandparents paid for long before I was even a thought.

The only other part that I remember now, is my flight home. It was the first time that I was leaving L.A. without spending time with my grandmother and/or my dad. I thought how my experiences with California died with them… and I began to cry. I remember listening to a tape I had brought with me: “I’ll Be There” by the Escape Club below is the actual video for the song…

Tear just flowed down my face. A flight attendant asked me if I was ok, so I told him that my dad had died. He was very attentive after that and I greatly appreciated it. Over the next years, it would hit me here and there. I just learned to let myself feel the pain so that I wouldn’t explode in the future.

There are times that I wish that I could share with him. We began speaking again when I was in high school, over the phone. I had told him that I would be visiting him that summer, but I wasn’t able to. It brings back memories of almost seeing my grandmother but she died right before I was able.

If you get nothing else out of this post, please don’t hesitate to spend the time that you have with your loved ones. Tell them how you feel… and trust in God to carry you through those times that you don’t think you can make it through – He won’t let you down. Thank you for reading this. I look forward to your comments.

Memorial Day Memories

This weekend is a holiday weekend to honor those who have fought for our freedom. My grandfather is one of those men. My grandfather’s name was Clarence Adam Cordell. He died on Jan. 4, 1964 at the age of 47, barely. (Dec. 10, 1917 – Jan. 4, 1964) S/SGT USAF

My grandfather was in the airforce and was stationed all over the world. He died in San Diego, California. He is laid to rest at the Fort Rosecrans National Cemetary in Plot: X 862, which overlooks the ocean. His plot is at the top of a hill near a cliff.

My husband and I lived in San Diego for about 2 1/2 years and it was then that I was able to go and see where my grandfather was buried. His grave site is in a great place with an absolutly beautiful view. I imagined what his funeral must have been like. My grandfather died way before I was born, so I never got to know him.

From the stories that I have heard, my grandfather was stationed at Roswell before the UFO “incident” and was relocated shortly before it happened. Oh, the stories I might have heard, had he stayed there. Hmmm…

Below are some pictures of the cemetery which can be found on Wikipedia.
 

 I wish I could include actual pictures of where he lies, but we moved before being able to go back to take pictures, so this is the best I can find. These pictures do not do it justice though.

I have another grandfather who served in the airforce as well, but I don’t have any information on him other than his name, Joseph Medina. I never knew him either because he died before I was born as well.

Sadly, I have heard that my grandpa Cordell may not have been a Christian, so I may never get to meet him… My other grandpa, grandpa Joe was a Christian, so I look forward to the day that I get to meet him.

Well, I wish that I had more to say about them, but I really don’t know very much. My grandpa Joe apparently had a building named after him at a Southern California college because he became a professor. Little tid-bits don’t exactly make a whole picture, just a puzzle.

 

 

Coffee Memories With Friends

A cup of coffee and a chat with friends… this is what I miss the most. I am reminded of past friends and joys, by a fellow blogger that I read. So, I thought that I would write about that today.

I enjoyed nothing more than sitting with a close friend, drinking coffee and chatting about everything and nothing all at once. Growing up, through my teens and early twenties, I had some very close friends… the kind that you always knew what the other was thinking and could have conversations without words, just with a look – you would know.

Over the years, life has changed, through moving and growing in different paths, but the memories stayed behind, for comfort, for strength, for joyful thoughts.

There is something to be said about drinking caffeine in a free and inspiring attmosphere with eclectic music playing in the background. Sharing memories, sharing thoughts, laughing until you cry… these are the memories that I recall. These memories make me sigh.

One other enjoyment that we would have, is watching the people come and go. People watching: The art of studying the habitual rotation of the human spieces in the act of their behavior, while wondering if the person watching is the same.

I remember at times, laughing so hard at something that didn’t really make any sense, all were sure that someone was going to explode coffee through their nose. Ah, the memories…

Nowdays, the lines are longer, the prices are higher and the friends are fewer. Starbucks once was the place to go… in fact, it was the only place to go, but now, competition moves in and the enjoyment comes again. There is a little place that has just opened up in this area called Saxby’s Coffee. They, Saxby’s, are what Starbucks once was and hopes to be again, though unlikely to be obtained by Starbucks.

The coffee is great, the employees are extremely nice and their consistancy is unbeatable. I guess this is what happens when you start getting older, rationalization. When you are younger, you could drink muddy water as long as there was good music and friends around. Not so for me now.

Now, the rationale kicks in to say…”If I am going to pay x amount of money for this cup of coffee, it better be worth it”. Oh my, how times have changed.

So, now we have a Kiereg coffee maker, which is the best appliance in our home. It makes one cup of either, coffee, tea or hot chocolate, at a time. It pre-brews the water so it is ready at all times. You buy these little cuplettes of your favorite flavor (they come in all kinds), place it into the dispenser, push the button and whola, your drink is served. Then the best part is that to clean it, you just trow the cuplette away and prestow, it’s clean! I am in coffee heaven!

Oh, did I mention it is much cheaper than going to a coffee house??? I still get all of the flavors I want. Granted, you don’t get to people watch, unless it is through the window or on tv, but hey, it’s practically free.

So now, if I need to, I can have my coffee while listening to whatever music I like, then if I want to people watch, I can go to the mall or something… they can be just as entertaining there. The only thing left, is to figure out the friend part, since I now live so far out of town, it would be a road trip to visit…

So, for now, I will enjoy my coffee while listening to my music and reading the blogs that I love to read and thinking of the memories that once were and the memories that will be…

A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood…

Today is such a beautiful day that I just had to write about it. There is a nice breeze blowing in through the windows and the sun is shining, illuminating everything with it’s warm glow. The birds are singing and preparing their nests, while the cats are enjoying the view. I have some swing king music on, Chet Baker is playing right now… now it changed to Anita O’Day. Oh, what a perfect day!

I found this picture, trying to capture how this day makes me feel: Click here for Source picture

 This is the kind of day that makes me want to just go for a drive or walk in a park. There use to be this pond where I use to live that had ducks in it and birds all around… I would love to go there and feed them. On really nice days, you could normally find at least 5 – 10 families there feeding the ducks. It was always nice to see the small children having their first experience with an animal almost their size, being able to feed them right from their own hands.

Many times, I would share what bread I had, with them when they would run out – they would be so happy. It was a great place to take children that I was babysitting, they always loved it. We would always have a picnic there as well… ah, memories… Click here for Source picture

 You know, I am beginning to notice how visually focused I am. By writing my blogs, I seem to always want to add images to my posts. I think it breaks it up and gives some color to my writing. Also, as they say, a picture is worth a 1,000 words, right? Well, I hope that everyone is having a great day. I am going to enjoy the weather and allow it to be a peaceful day.

What Is Your Favorite Childhood Memory???

My favorite childhood memory:

I had previously gone to a forum that had a thread topic of “What is your favorite childhood memory”… So, I replied about mine and I thought I would share that here as well.

When I was younger, I would love to go outside at night because it was so much more peaceful and quiet than in the day time when everyone is running about. There was a place that I would like to go and lay down flat so that I could look up at the sky and see all of the vast array of stars.

As I would lay there in silience, I would think about how big I thought the universe was and if it were that big, how big is heaven beyond it. At times, I would feel myself grasping at the grass blades because it would feel as though I could at any moment, just float off into this black openess.

I really enjoyed at times, being able to look out and see the dome shape of our atmosphere by the galaxy line. That would only happen on very clear nights though.

I would think also about how small it made me feel and how big God must be to have been able to create such a huge amount of things and spaces. It really made me ponder on the power of God and how incredibly greatful I was for Him to care so much about someone so small (in the scheme of things).

Now when I look up and see all of the stars, I imagine how it will be when we are called to be with Him there. What will it feel like, how will it sound, what will I think, what will I say? The thoughts run through my mind like  a slide show of images, trying to capture the moments as they might happen.

The thought of coming face to face with the One who created me, who knew me before I even existed is just mind blowing. I was talking with Bradley last night about how it may feel when He looks in our eyes, knowing that He ‘knows’ us through and through. We, I imagine, will be able to feel Him seeing into the very deepest parts of us, our thoughts, feelings, etc. It is just all so powerful and wonderful, it amazes me to no end.

I wonder what others see when they look up at the night sky on a very clear night… if they live where they can see the stars. Some may think about ufo’s and aliens, or of space novas and asteroids, etc.. Hmm… I wonder. What do you think about when you look into the night sky? Please post your thoughts on this and your favorite childhood memory, in the comments section. I look forward to reading all of your thoughts.

Through the Eye of the Beholder

Looking into the eyes of someone else’s vision of the world causes a deep introspection and a trance of unparalleled focus. I am captivated more by black and white photographs because of the stillness of life that they portray. There is something to be said about the dream state that a b&w picture brings me to and the imagination it encourages. Here is an example: “Rose and Driftwood”

Photograph: By Ansel Adams 1932

 This photograph above, is one of my favorites of his. Quite a few years ago, a friend of mine found out that I loved black and white photographs, so he gave me a book, “Ansel Adams: Classic Images”. Sometimes I wish it wasn’t in a book so that I could put it in a frame. I know I could go out and purchase a copy, like a poster, but I haven’t. The following picture, is called “Trailer Camp Children”, it really moved me. It just makes you want to reach out and hold them.

Photograph: By Ansel Adams 1944

In a b&w photograph, expressions and emotions come through much deeper than in a color photo. Sometimes, I feel as though it is like capturing a ghost on film… you wouldn’t be aware you were capturing it until you developed it… and there it is.

Well, I tried to upload more pictures from my camera, but for some reason it is not allowing me to. Once I figure out what the problem is, I will upload them and post them. I would love for you to see some of the other pictures that I think are fascinating.

Here I Am Come And See

Ok, I am sooooo excited to have this site up and running now. I have another site HERE, which is on more of a serious note. I have posted some more loose topics like what you see in the tabs above, but they don’t really fit in that category… So, here I am!

I am excited to share with you my poems, stories, pictures, favorite music, favorite movies and other fascinations!

One thing that was much easier, was that all I had to do with some information… is to copy it over instead of creating it all from scratch. I still have a lot to do, but this site is far from bare. It is late now, so I will write a lot more tomorrow. Till then!!! 🙂 

Thanks so much for stopping by.