Breaking The Mold

I never knew just how hard it would be, to give up a dream that was deep inside me. In the days of leanness, we must all sacrifice. Some more painful than others, not realizing the hold of past hopes and dreams, it is time to say good-bye. If you have read ‘About Me’ then you know about my loss of 5 babies. Over a period of 4 years, Bradley and I have lost 5 babies because I have a condition called Hyperemesis Gravidarum. This means that I have like an allergic reaction to the hormone, which is produced by pregnancy. My doctors, who are considered ‘experts’ in this field, (though none of them really know much about it) had never seen a case as severe as mine. Anyway, each time it became worse, bringing me to the point of my own death, then I would miscarry. With each baby, Bradley and I, would allow ourselves to become whole-heartedly attached to this new life, only to be grieved by the loss of it, while suffering the trauma of my own physical condition.

Anyway, as we entered each pregnancy… we would accumulate nursery items: Crib, bedding, baby clothes, other furniture, etc. I have held on to these items, even after Bradley had a vasectomy, with the hopes that someday we would be able to have a baby somehow – through some means. Well, now times are tight and sacrifices must be made… so… I have to let these items go (sell them) and with them, an attachment to a dream, a hope, a desire. I know that many would say that just because I have to sell these items, it doesn’t mean that I can’t still have that hope and once obtained, purchase these items again… I understand that.

It is amazing how we attach emotions of life situations to items that symbolize those times. I still have a bear that I got in junior high, that every time I cried over the loss of a friend, the death of my cat, etc… I would cry into this bear. Because of this, I can’t seem to part with it. From the outside, I think to myself… how crazy to allow an attachment resembling pain and suffering, to hold on to that, yet in some twisted way, it is comforting. Maybe it is because I was a latchkey kid, meaning that my mom was never home because she had to work all the time and my dad didn’t live with us, so… my bear, my cat, etc. were my safe places, my comfort zones, my friends who would never leave me or judge me.

I feel like I have been putting off the inevitable by holding off on a garage sale. I am wondering though, if it would be better with some of the furniture items, to sell them on Ebay or Craig’s List to get more money for them. Bradley is waiting on a venture deal to come through, but as you probably know… waiting on attorneys to review, change, etc. paperwork, can take forever – and we have to eat. Things are tight now, but I know that somehow, though I am not sure when or how exactly, things will work out because the Bible says that [Romans 8:28] He makes all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. So, I put my trust and hope in Christ, knowing that, [Nahum 1:7] The Lord is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble; and He knoweth them that trust in Him. Also, [Psalm 34:17,19] The righteous cry, and the Lord heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles. Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all.

It is difficult for those who put their trust in the Lord while going through trials to strengthen their faith as they watch evildoers all around them prosper, but here is a verse for you: [Psalm 37:7] Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass. I have to tell myself this because this is an area in which I too struggle. It is draining to ponder on this too long though. I try and remind myself that God is good, true and just… and in the end, He has the last word. If I just keep pushing forward in my relationship with Him and sharing Him and His Word with others, then I will be an over comer and receive the blessings He says that I will in the book of Revelation (letters to the 7 churches). One verse that gives me encouragement is [Isaiah 40:31] But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Anyway, you are probably starting to see how my brain works… I have my little pity party, then I remember some scripture, which gives me encouragement and so I move on… for at least 5 minutes or so… As the female brain tends to work, I think of so much all at once that I am bound to come back around to this topic again soon and have to go through the steps again. Eventually, I will immediately remind myself of the verses so I don’t have to go through the entire pity party because there are always many other things to occupy my thoughts that are just as time consuming and important to work through. I believe this to be the Holy Spirit as it says, [John 14:26] But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in My name, He shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.

So, as painful as it is, my mold must be broken, in order to open the door to what God has in store for me in Him. [2 Corinthians 5:17] Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. [Luke 9:62] And Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God. As I journey forward I will continue to look forward with faith like a child that the Lord is true to His Word and will perform it through to the end. [Philippians 1:6] Being confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ. [Romans 8:18] For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

So, for now, this is where I will leave it…